introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- nothing but nothing labor day laboring - 1 september 2014 "i don't feel comfortable with the way my clothes fit. i cant get used to my body's limits. i got some fancy shoes to try and kick away these blues...they cost a lot of money but they aren't worth a thing."~brett dennen these last few days haven't been too bad, i guess. i spent my birthday-friday under the radar this year, mostly...maybe on purpose so i didn't get too sad because i'm sad enough on regular days. i didn't want to dwell on missing my indiana county fair tractor pulls, a candy apple, and trying my chance at winning a knife from some carney in a ring-toss booth. instead, i got up, had a regular old breakfast, went to the chiropractor and after that, went to work. that's bigtime, 36 years old. bigtime. i celebrated my solo birthday by buying myself 2 new dresses...2 because they were buy one/get one and 2 new dresses was better than 1 new dress. i haven't owned much of anything new in purple in a lot of years. can it get more exciting than this, kittens? yes, it could if you use your imagination. i could have a chance to wear one out on a lunch and/or coffee date. that would be something. yes, it would. i ended the night late with kristin hersh quietly after work and nabbed a few birthday portraits. the end. the holiday weekend has been pretty quiet...silent, really. i spent saturday trying to get motivated. eventually, i made it to the woods for a sunset walk and met a porcupine with sammy. that was my first time seeing one alive and he was so brave and sweet and mumbling and nomming on grass just alongside the trail. eventually, he wandered back into the woods. it was dark when i pulled out of the parking lot with sam. i did the walk/jog day one on c25k again...it felt good. i had sushi for dinner. i spoke with nobody. sunday was midwife day. as usual, she gave me some perspective. i have the doctor's orders for another glucose test but i dread the very thought of gulping more of that super sugared kool aid, waiting around, and then having my blood drawn. laura said that this doesn't give them any indication of how i handle sugar over the long term and that, for someone like me who doesn't eat a lot of sugar, it just causes that uncomfortable spike. i've decided that i'm going to wait on getting that test done again for just a couple weeks. i'm going to clean up my eating like i decided days ago already...and get back on track with my exercise again now that my company is gone. and another good point that the doctor didn't take into consideration last week was how much weight i've lost in the course of the last 7 months or so. i've continued to lose weight despite being pregnant this whole time...so adding 15 pounds back might just be necessary. laura measured my growing uterus and it's where it should be. my mind is more at ease. another frustrating feel-bad hiccup from the medical scene that just made me feel terrible, truthfully. so two weeks to see what i can take off of this weight...but it might just be what i need for an upcoming growth spurt for the baby so i'm not going to panic. i'm just going to keep an eye on things. the holiday today was a working one for this lady so i was there for you, america...because that's what i do. didn't you people have barbecues to go to or something? gosh. so here i am, end of the night. my heart has a million poems in it, none of which i feel like i can ever share here any more....i wonder why that is? maybe i should. my heart is feeling a little lonely...but every time i've felt like that this summer, it has been about nothing much so i'm trying to remind myself of this and just wait. either way, i suppose in the back of my head, as much as i want to see if it'd work, i just know that i need to be equally prepared to be disappointed. so i'm walking a thin line and trying to think of other things. talking with scott a little bit this weekend and too many memories in my head. it has brought up so much of my past that was staying so securely there...in the past. how did i forget that he'd been cutting himself? how did that part slip my memory? i'll need to walk miles to set that down again...i hate that memory. that was too much for me to handle and a harsh reminder of what all of that felt like at the time. i'm glad that is so far behind me but i can't believe i'd forgotten it. when he tried to justify it by saying it was like being an anorexic or having some other sickness that i would never understand, i got really angry...it wasn't so much that he was self-mutilating...it was the aggression behind it. he'd specifically said that he'd done it because of a stupid fight we'd had or for some other reason that placed the blame on me. that was aggressive and more than any person ought to lay on another like that. for the first time, after all this time, i feel like maybe he heard me. i still wish he hadn't reminded me...i still wish we hadn't dug up that part of it all....but it was good to know that this is just not something i'd ever second-guess again. i've learned so much from all those fucking disasters. and thats the takeaway, right? i don't want those things and i've learned....but i swear it triggered too much introspection on those old relationships and where they all went wrong... couple all of this with the idea that someday, he's going to come looking for me from california (i don't believe it for one second.) why do they always say it just when i least expect it? why, after all this time, would that be something that someone thinks they should say? when my mother was here, she flippantly mentioned that my sister thinks that someday, we'll find each other again. that you don't love each other that much and stay apart...but did we love each other that much? you don't leave someone you love that much...so maybe they just mistook my love at the time for our love. it is behind me. i asked why i would want that kind of thing back in my life again? he let me down in a way destroyed me for so long. i'm not that person anymore. now that i've learned what i needed to learn and moved on from it, i want something that is good and healthy and nurturing...and i'm ready for that in my life. she responded that she was glad to hear it but i can still hear it in their voices sometimes...do they still wish he'd come back? why would anyone want that for me? but that's the thing. there is another face that makes my heart happy for now and i want to nurture whatever it is between us quietly and slowly. i want to keep it to myself for as long as i can, guard it carefully. and i forgot to mention that i received a new message from the baby's father last week telling me about sending a check my way...so is that the new game? pay the bills and buy your way into the baby's life? i don't get it...again, i wait for the rules of engagement. thankfully, my mother was here when that message came in and i've managed to keep my sanity in check. for the first time, one of his selfish intruding messages hasn't really effected my everyday like those unwanted messages often do. i'm thankful for that....and so many things... i'm thankful for the quiet in my days even when they do get a little lonely. i'm trying to be thankful for all the lessons i've learned...what's the sense in complaint? we're back to the everyday of every day and i'm content in that. great success. maybe soon a poem or two.....but who knows. i think i forgot the part of me that writes those down for the world to read. xo, jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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