introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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insomniac

10:36 p.m. - ninth of may, 2005

"it's not going to stop til you wise up."~aimee mann
i'm really tired.
i haven't gone to bed early enough in a week. i get by on a few hours of sleep and start my day over. every morning, i swear to myself that i'm coming home and going to bed after dinner and starting all of it over again because i'll be energized freshly or something.

i was out every night last week...either to my friend's house on the east side of town or at my parent's or at an eyedoctor's appointment. my face didn't hit the pillow until at least eleven each night...i bounced back up in the morning, begrudgingly cursing myself for this insomnia.

it's strange how things start to take you over a little. my house, which was empty except for my hurried comings and goings for a week is in shambles and i swore i was going to clean tonight. but i got home and it was so darned warm in here...all i want to do is curl up between my soft cool cotton sheets and sleep. i lay down and i start thinking and my head races, so i get up again.

on saturday, i volunteered to be a moulage victim in the PNC Park Disaster Drill. they staged a real time terrorist attack simulation to test our emergency authorites here in the city. the game involved a suicide bomber and a dirty bomb with ricin gas. my friend tammie went with me...we were made up and given our "moderate injury" cards. it was supposed to be so theraputic (i still get the occasional bloody terrorism dream and they seep feelings into my stomach that feel like ulcers and i can't shake it for a few days...this sense of imminent doom). it was a sort of "therapy by fire" that i'd perscribed for myself...to put myself in the terrorism situation and get out of it alive. only...something went horribly wrong. i was separated from tammie (she could walk and i could not, according to our cards). they took her and never came back for me. aside from not being able to walk, i had only minor issues like naseau...and i died. the rescuers never returned for me about twenty other people. we were left to die. after they declared us dead, i went to find tammie. she had been decontaminated in the DECON showers and stripped of her clothes down to her swimsuit and put on a triage bus to go the hospital for the full-on treatment. eventually, they decided to forget about the hospital jaunt and just let us go home. i've been over-contemplative.

it's six minutes to eleven.
i could be in bed before eleven.

i keep thinking about all of these things that i've done and these people that i've shared moments of my life with. i get very introspective lately. i feel like i'm getting so much of myself back.

i think i need a routine. a come home and walk the dog and make dinner and vacuum the carpet and write a big and go to bed on time to get to work chipper and alert and producively-motivated to do something constructive besides just listen to npr or this radio folk channel out of boston and get the tasks done...but actually accomplish something out of the norm.

that could be a good routine.

i should get the gym in there, too. it feels good to have some muscle aches today (i mowed the lawn in diagonal stripes yesterday in the sunshine and my hair turned all blonde already and i've got faint tan lines making their appearance...it's a push mower and it's something like work). i can still feel the fresh air and the sunshine in my skin. i can feel the energy i'm getting as the days grow longer.

it just rang eleven on my watch.

i'm going to try to quiet the racing thoughts of money and boys and get some peaceful sleep tonight.

be well.
xo

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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