introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- every moment acted out nearly one a.m. - second of june-project complete- "i'm okay if you get me at a good angle and you're okay in the right sort of light. we don't look like the pages of a magazine, but thats alright."~ani difranco its been a nice day off. i probably could have spent less money. allow me to rationalize: i haven't spent a dime in a long long time except for maybe cheap dinner with brian and mark. there were some things i needed and some things that i was going to get anyway...yeah..but moving on. it was a nice day off. i saw ben and sherri for a boca burger and coffee early. i like taking time to get to know people. i like to notice things about them. i like to listen. i find myself talking too much, sometimes. sometimes, i can't help it. sometimes, my mind goes a light year a moment. i went home afterwards: sherri went to work; ben went home to chill. i like that ben. he is a good cat. i got to finish up those cd covers i've been working on so i had dinner with the best best friend a girl could ask for. we ran to the mall and to pier one imports while we waited for a table. i say ran. i should say "drove miles and miles" because thats what we did. we don't wait around, the jonahs. we find more entertaining things to do. one new tongue bar and two tins of incense later, we were back at the outback for dinner. mark knew the waiter: he was someone from the mellon clan that i will never completely understand. mark's workplace is an enigma to me. i try to picture it and draw a blank. i don't know why i'd need to picture where mark works. i'm a tool. and so we gorged ourselves. i say gorge because thats what we did. gorging on onion petals and prime rib and salads (mark had soup, that rat bastard.) and sweet potatoes. i hardly find time to eat anymore. today was a day for eating and my tummy is full enough to get through another stretch of famine. famine. hardly. i'm so melodramatic. mark. he got gassy from the bloomin' onion. he must be getting old. i mean this in jest, of course because... from there we went-a-walmarting. we wandered. we played. its a shame that that is the most exciting thing to do in a town like this. they really need to consider the entertainment of the population, lest we all go into debt shopping at sam walton's or worse yet, turn to whores, crack, and destruction to kill the night hours. did i mention my mind is entirely ridiculous? and it was at walmart that i realized that the onion was makin' me gassy, too. we conferred later on. it had to be the onion. and so on. its been a good day. mark went home. i'm here. i'm waiting for him. i'll keep vigil. i'll keep the light on. i can't stop thinking about him. anyway...because its been entirely too long since i posted any poetry, i'm gonna post one tonight. its not that i don't want to share, lately...its just that...the happy stuff...even gives anyway, cats...be well. *hugs to all* -every movement acted out- a million things to think about tonight your name whispered on nearly every echo of my voice, visions of you in every movement acted out. it was you i thought of when we wandered past the playing card aisle my heart skipping beats not for the walmart muzak, but for the memory of staying up all night playing go fish, the universe at stake not to mention playing for mark, for webster. and they are all yours, now. they are yours and i'm plotting my comeback. i stopped then to look at the different decks, so hard to choose..so hard to choose... which would be my lucky deck? the one to take it all back to set it in its proper order? it was you i thought of as i touched the cards with the crocodile hunter and the traditional bicycle deck... and the ones i chose... you'll have to wait to see. i can nearly feel the sparkle in my eyes as i play for our coveted fours. i can feel the intensity building as i match pairs and leave you as you were before, with no universe to command and no best friends of mine or miniature child actors for slaves... and then, baby, i can show you how well i can share, too. and then we came home. because there are a million things to think about tonight. your name whispered on nearly every echo of my voice, visions of you in every movement acted out. and i searched through old emails for the one you'd sent with the address... and as i wrote it down your voice whispered in my memory. and there are so very many things in my wallet: a stack of hard earned "jacksons" yet to go to the bank... useless receipts that i'll throw away, having now remembered them... blockbuster video card that i'll never use again, a safe zone card for a school i'll never again attend, a Gone With the Wind calling card whose password i've long forgotten but keep because its scarlett and rhett.... vivian and clark. beautiful. and then i've got my giant eagle advantage card, accompanying most of the receipts that tell me how much that piece of plastic saved me with each grocery visit. coupons long expired, a ticket stub i'd forgotten i had from the weekend last spent with you (the other is stuck to my screen: a constant reminder of you), my hmo card, set to expire in late august, a reminder to call the doctor. a mass of coupons and a few photo ids: university and state. and to this mass of cards and paper that i'll opt to keep i'll add another handwritten scrap. and its something i've never done because i never thought i'd need to. its something i've never done but i really think i want to... your name and address and telephone... the just in case. the what-if. and its a really good feeling to know that among my most important things, i might find you should i need you when i'm not near enough to home. yes, tonight, there are a million things to think about and they're making me think of you. your voice is echoed on every whisper of my heart and visions of you in every movement acted out. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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