introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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if he had to choose a word

before the storms - eighteenth of september, 2001

"ask me if i care i've got the answer here i wrote it down somewhere i've just got to find it."~ani difranco

he said i was being harsh. i think i wanted to call it passionate. but what do i know?

i know i've got a thesaurus that i absolutely love to play. play a thesaurus? i love it. i like to think of words and then try to find other words that mean the same thing.

but there he was, across the table and he said i was being harsh.

harsh.

i take this time now to ponder.

am i harsh because i despise this oncoming war? am i harsh because i am in the minority? she didn't want to tell me about the flag on her car because i must have seemed so harshly opposed. when she said it, i sighed complacently. some things never change.

i distinctly remember saying over dinner "if you believe it, you've got to stand up for it...no matter what it is."

and i think i do a good job of that these days.

am i harsh because of my response to his forwarded email that requested that all of the pretty americans go out on their front porches and light candles so they can take a pretty polaroid of it from space and post it on the news in the morning? am i harsh because i said not to send me any more? i don't want anymore. i refuse to be a part of this or to support a people that would kill others out of revenge...other people just as innocent as those who died last week.

last week. seven days ago. it was eerie to be at work this morning because i was waiting for the next...bombshell report.

i hate the fact that i'm living on edge because i don't know what we'll do next; because i don't know what is going to happen. she was right when she said that we'd been trusting and finding comfort in something that wasn't real. i feel like every thing i've known has been stolen from me in one way or another.

or maybe i was harsh because today, i worked with a squirming with men who would have been grossed out if i'd admitted the carnage in my underwear. it was the lunch rush. it was hours early. it was that damned plunger thing that opens the drive-thru window. and maybe i was harsh not because of some bullshit answer like PMS...but because i'm a woman and i felt like it was unappropriate to ask for a few moments to run across the street.

i am a hypocrite. i say i stand up for the things in which i believe and then i can't even tell then i need a tampon to stop up the ordinary healthy bloodflow from my uterous. i am a pansy. i am a pansy with a regular menstrual flow.

or maybe i was harsh because they want us to wear red, white, and blue at work...perhaps a flag. they're hanging pictures of crying bald eagles with backdrop art of crumbling burning Twin Towers. I'm being bombarded by symbols to which I have no faith and no honest-to-goodness allegiance. hell. i stopped saying the plege to the flag in seventh grade. don't expect me to start saying it now, for christ's sake. this is no new resolve.

in other less harsh news, i wore my winter clogs that i bought a few months back today. i wore them with thick wooly knit socks that were mismatched but free of holes in the toes.

also, Brad and Suzie are more comfortable in their new tank, it would seem. They are fighting like champs, biting at each others fins and chasing each other about the tank. i wonder if they are mating. that would be neat: multiple fish for the price of two. lovely. also, they are not swimming about today...they are darting.

more symphony. less harshness.

i'm sorry if i was harsh.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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