introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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what must be done

early morning riser - 23 june 2009

"i wish we could open our eyes to see in all directions at the same time. oh, what a beautiful view if you were never aware of what was around you."~death cab for cutie

i gave this relationship with scott the most honest and whole try i possibly could but i know that it will never be what he thinks it will be. strangely, i don't even know what he thinks it will be--we've never talked about it. we don't talk about anything. he doesn't see that.

i made pancakes for the kittens last night and, as they finished their cups of coffee and started in to smoking their cigarettes, i cleaned up the dishes and fed the dogs. i had a cigarette on the back porch.

i wonder when i will be able to stop seeing my relationship with toby (yes, even after all of these years of separation and with all of the accompanying finality of our words) as the pinnacle thing...the thing by which all other romantic relationships will be judged. maybe i don't have to.

last night, in the dusky evening, smoking a cigarette and sipping coffee while my friends laughter trickled round the corner to where i was, i saw a new way of seeing me...with lovers but no love, perpetually independent. maybe that is a gift...perhaps i am no longer capable of giving that kind of love. fleeting, that thought...impermanent.

a few seconds later, i was marveling at how my hands look in the dark shadows just outside the door...everything overwhelms me with its beauty lately...even the most sorrowful things.

(i feel like i have a lot to say but no place where i can safely whisper like i can here.)

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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