introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- losing it. 11:09 p.m. - 18th of june, 2006 "All the nights and wasted time...trying to get my head to change its mind...all the talk of what it could be...when it never was."~kathleen edwards i know that i am going to regret this in the morning. i should be packing and i am here, in this room, in the dark. you were taking a shower and now, you are there, laying in my bed in the only air-conditioned room. it's a quarter past eleven and i know i need to sleep but i can't get my head to stop racing so that probably means that i'm going to take one of those effexors tonight so i can close my eyes and not deal with all of this...all of this, whatever it might be. and there's all of this shit that's happening...my job, the robbery, the shrink, the meds, the commuting and being home only two days in a space where my things are in a place that smells r e m o t e l y like i live here. there's all of this shit and i feel like the only thing i can focus on is how distant you seem to me right now, today. yesterday. friday night. somehow, something is missing that left in the space of time when i was here last weekend and came home again this weekend. and you're getting more text messages from someone else now. i can't help but feel like there is something newer and chattier and cuter on the other end that could make you forget me. i can't help but notice the drop in the number of text messages we send each other. back then, i used to not get my work done because i was messaging you all day. now, i wait and my work still sits idle but you are too busy to send messages. there are no jokes. we do not laugh. and i thought that this was going to be something...it started out as something. now, i look at all the frustration that i'm putting you through...and it's like he said: i have this tendency to test people. i push them to limits, see how far they can go and then give them a little bit more. and after all of that, i am never convinced that you could want to stay with me. there is a deficiency in me that believes that everyone is going to leave, that for some reason, you will stop loving me...and so, i try to make it easier on us both. i offer you outs on a constant basis...the very things i'm trying to do to make leaving me easier is the leading thing that is driving you away in the first place. i realize this and yet, i am utterly powerless to control it. i have tried to explain this to you several times...i've said it to so many people but i don't know how else to relate it...there are times when i am not in this body...when i'm only in this head and have no power over the driver seat. i try more often to take control and the apologies come more quickly, with more sincerity. i know that there are only so many more time that you'll take an apology for my fits of rage or my bouts of saddness. the crying spells are bring you down and i don't want you to be as down as i am... there are so many things and i don't know which to cut out first, which thing i ought to give a break for awhile...is it the drugs, the perscribed meds, the relationships with unreliable people, the job-that-isn't, my inability to fit in or interact socially with people, my inpatience with people in general....or is it us? it isn't us. it's me. this is my problem and i dont know how to change what makes it happen. we do not make love. we do not hold each other. our physical contact is minimal. it's a hundred degrees but i still want to feel your sticky fingers on my lap when we drive with the sunroof and windows wide open...i feel like i've already lost you. we say that we're going to work things out but i find myself shy and afraid to be more natural around you because it doesn't seem right to be able to segue from insanity to normality with such an easy sway. the pendulum in my brain makes it possible but it doesn't seem like that is how it should be...so i wait for you to let me know that it's okay to be around you, to joke, to touch you. i never get the sign, i never pick up on much of anything from you these days. you say that you break up with people slowly. i have a tendency to break up when things get tough, to say things i don't mean to make things easier...which, as you know, makes things only more difficult. but i try...i try with every bit of passion that this mind and body can conjur and i feel as though i'm going nowhere...i feel as though you're already gone. so i'm done with the frustrating tests...at least, i feel like maybe i could be. i know you're going and i know he's coming home. i know that he understands me and that he's been through this low before...that he knows that it passes. he knows things that i cannot possibly explain to you. i don't think that you'd be able to live through this, to go the distance on this with me. i don't think that you're even on the same path anymore. knowing that and knowing how i feel about you...is breaking my heart and hurting more than anything i could inflict on myself. the shrink will ask me again if i'm thinking about suicide and i'll tell her no and it will be a half-truth. i think about it constantly. the thoughts are no longer fleeting tidbits of how i'd do it, what i'd be giving up. the are serious contemplations...and then, i see you or i talk to him or my mother looks at me like she knows what's in my head...and i know that i can't do that to them. and that's the fucked up part...i feel like i'm staying alive for *them*...for you, for him, for my mother, for all of these people that love me but who can't help me... i can't focus on one fucking thing for *me*, and that, most definitely, is one of the main roots of this problem. and knowing that is a first step but i'm having trouble justifying much of anything because i have no control over anything. i have no more control. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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