introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- circular versus linear another reckoning - 1 july 2014 "today was another day full of dread but I never said I was afraid 'cause dread and fear should not be confused: by dread I'm inspired, by fear I'm amused."~bonnie 'prince' billy i sensed it was coming for several days. if i wasn't motivated to take down my profile already, i am extremely so, now. a couple days ago, he showed up on my visitors list. i was intended to take this as some sort of social nod, he said. that he was ready to talk if i was. i wasn't in on the rules of engagement. i just knew something was up. i knew he was lurking just on the other side of the internet. i haven't heard from ian in 2 months, nearly to the day. one of my oldest friends told me he'd run into ian at at art event in pittsburgh. ian asked my friend not to tell me they'd seen each other. i don't understand why it would even matter. i don't live in that city anymore. sure, my loves are there---my friends, my family, my village. but that is far away...my life is here now.
i didn't clarify what this even meant. relapsing? huh? i don't even care anymore. i know what it feels like to feel everything crumble. i've been struggling to keep up ever since spring but i'm doing it. as much as he brings me stress, he brings me perspective...which is helping me keep an even keel now. each time he insinuates himself into my present tense, it is like a test. a gauge. i'm proud of what i've accomplished here. i'm remembering how i feel when i'm alone most of the time...and how it does get lonely but it is going to be a long time before i get this kind of time to myself. everything is going to change. i have time to walk in my forest, time to spend with my old dog, time to dance in my kitchen. i have hours to read books, to listen to music, to draw. i go to sleep when i'm tired. i turn out all the lights for myself and tuck myself in. i wake up long before my alarm. i am not cold to ian's situation, even after all of this. i don't know what it feels like to be in his shoes. most anyone with a kid is going to want to try to be a parent...i get that. i just want to protect this kiddo...i want her to have a peaceful life. i feel safe here and i want her to feel safe, too. my heart isn't so cold that i don't empathize with ian but my heart is closed off to believing anything anymore. my patience eschews the panicky dramatization of every. damned. thing. it's just exhausting to me. i don't know what his thoughts are at this point with the baby other than that he wants to be involved. i know that in the past weeks to myself, i've changed so much. i have a round-the-clock connection with this little bird that i don't suspect ian will ever understand...because so far, everything has been about ian and what ian wants. he hasn't asked about the baby. he had a captive audience by text and every message that lit up was about ian. does he even know when this baby is due? is he aware of our birthplan? does he know if this baby will be bottle- or breastfed? no. and he's never asked. a month ago, i would have dreaded this whole thing so much more. it would have taken me days to recover. tonight, it just took a little thinking on it. there are so many beautiful things in my life right now for which i'm thankful. i've got a good little community around me...it might be tiny now but i feel safe and supported. i've never given so much thought to studying for the LSAT a little. just to see. a month ago, i hadn't yet taken the time to remember some of these old dreams and to remember who i am when i am me, on my own. i am more resilient than i've been in a long time. let him have his meltdowns. nothing changes here. my focus is inward on the baby, on figuring out what makes me happy and making that happen...i'm inspired to be better for both of us. ian isn't changing and i feel badly because i think if he'd been at all engaged when he had the opportunity, he'd be in a similar peaceful place, too. i am centered on the things that make me happy...and there are so many of those things. moments when i feel this baby move around late at night and sometimes, i think she dances along when i dance in the shower. i'll ponder 6 more live maine lobsters coming to boston with me...where i will cook them for my sister and my friend k. i'll look forward to hearing the boston pops and daydream about how i'm gonna watch those waves at the beach in my new lobster swimsuit. i'll plan for a road-trip in my dethwagon on my own with some good music and open windows on 95 south. i'll wait for the hot of summer in a big city to slick my skin, only to wash it away when i return home. i'll get in even more of these longer woods-walks with the sweetest dog. i'll sleep with my strange dreams and i'll enjoy the happy butterflies when i think of that fella i like so well. there are so many good things. i'm not letting ian's bad things bring me down anymore. contentedly yours, jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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