introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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no longer a question of logic

-before noon - nineteenth of april 2001-with the grogginess of waking

"my hands tremble. my heart aches. is it you calling? if i'm alone in this, i don't think i can face the consequences of falling."~k.d. lang

it was the most perfect sleep, i tell you. no sugarplum fairae waltz or bubble gum dream could have been better than the dreams i've just come from.

i spent a pajama wednesday, waking especially late, cacooned in the folds of my warm sky blue electric blanket next to a strangely agreeably sleepy puppy. my sleep lately has been dotted with the most amazing dreams. some are about california and the adventure. some involve slow dancing with a boy in my imagination to a song i can never remember. i always wake with the butterflies that come just before kissing him because i never get that far in my dreams. i like that i don't kiss him in my dreams. i think i'd rather have the real thing...i don't think any dream will compare, anyway.

i suppose you've noticed the new colours by now, if you've been here before. these colours are basically the culmination of a weather-strange afternoon. snow seemed to blow from nowhere in the sunny skies while the new baby leaves on the trees that are running with lifeforce once again seemed to shrug in the wind as if to ask "what the HELL?". my dog and i looked out the sagging glass of one window in my room and looked at each other and shook our respective heads, agreeing silently that there was no way in hell that we were going out into the deceptive day but would, instead, have a vegetable day inside. and vegetate we did.

scott came over in late afternoon to play with my computer for what seemed like an eternity while i curled up in my bed under the said electric blanket, devouring Gatsby between answering his incessant "check this outs" and "oh, man, the Black Crowes/Phil Lesh and Friends/Wavy Gravy is (are) going to be in San Fran/Eugene/Pittsburgh on X date" and I'd nod and say "neat" and return to the book.

I dont know how i never read The Great Gatsby, but i'm loving every minute of these brilliant characters. they seep life from the pages and what began as a story about rich white people has become a wonderful comment on racism, an awesome bit of a love story (even with its infidelity and affairs), and a just plain great story. i love it. i'm glad i picked it up. i can't imagine what horrible turns it has yet to take me on.

i also failed to mention the film i saw this weekend. i imagine a great deal of american youth have not seen it because it is, indeed, foreign. still, i also contend that a great many american youth have heard of it because we watch oscars and other awards shows. "Life Is Beautiful" is the new flick choice. Much like a Piero della Francesca painting, the movie seems to be cut in half in itself. The beginning, the sweetest, most clever love story; the second half, the death camps of world war two italy. There is not a wasted line, gesture, or detail in this movie, as i easily absorbed in the first viewing. I need to see it again, although i somewhat dread it, as i cried and cried at various points in the movie. yes, i am a sap. yes, i like subtitles (although my stupid oof of a sister rented the dubbed version and i would much rather have heard the music of italian) and yes, i like foreign film. its one of the single most clever scripts i've heard and a beautiful movie in itself.

and now...back to our regularly scheduled mush. i spent last night playing checkers. when scott finally left, i was able to talk to T. I spend my days pining til he infuses my screen with a light that only he can. when he came on, i found that i was beaming and without much to really say. that happens to me sometimes....its was one of those nights when, had i been with him, i would have liked to have curled up with him and read a book or watched a movie...just knowing that he was warm beside me..that if i needed to talk and break the perfect silence, i could...it was one of those nights where two people can just BE in quiet understanding. i liked that he wasn't frustrated by slow servers of online games. i liked that he didn't just log off and find something better to do. i liked knowing that he was there. after winning two games of checkers and conceding one to him, the servers locked up and it was just as well. he's been really tired and i know that....yet he stays and talks with me til he can barely keep his eyes open. i hope he knows that this does not go unappreciated.

i am a typically shy person without my two closest friends with me. i am glad that they are going to tennessee with me. but, something tells me that with T, the shyness will melt away. He is just T...and i don't have anything to be afraid of (except that he can't sleep through a snoring girl). i want to hold his hand. i want to hug him a dozen times hello. i want to touch his hair. i want to hear his voice. i want him to know i'm real. its getting a bit insane, these feelings that i'm nurturing and the only thing that scares me is that they might be getting out of logical control.

"you can't help who you like" she said that first night i'd met her. i didn't know that she'd be the cause of the worst broken heart i've ever suffered. if i have learned anything from her, it was on that first night: you can't help who you like.

and i can't. i can't help that just knowing that he's there gives me comfort. i can't help that i hang on his every word. i can't help that he makes me happier than i've been in forever. i can't help that i'm falling in love with him. falling in love? is that too strong a word? then what word shall i use...because this is getting to be wonderful.

i held my breath, like i always do after the "goodnight, carole" message and the smile that have become indicative of his parting. i watched him disappear from my screen; watched the screen dim without the light that he provides. if i had a tail, i'dve chased it. he makes me happy. he makes me excited. he is a delightful checker player.

i went to bed with the visions he'd planted in my head, curled up with him as close as i could from this distance. the warmth of my electric blanket is nothing compared to the warmth of thoughts of him are nothing compared to how warm i imagine him to really be.

and now, i'm awake. today is the long day of the week. i've a rennaissance to baroque exam today (which i will, no doubt, fail miserably...i've grown very apathetic with my classes knowing now that i'm not coming back and knowing now that i'm not even living in this state anymore). i've got to go to work til eleven. the only thoughts that will correctly get me through the day are of him. but, lately, i'm just not suprised anymore.

the sun is out again and the birds are singing. there isn't any of that unseasonal snow and i think the worst is behind us. keep hope alive. be well, cats.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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