introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lock & keystone high noon - 3o august 2013 "i've been where i'm supposed to be the week is a blur behind me. i'm focusing on leaving work at work which is something i usually forget or have trouble doing when i do remember. i felt it disappear behind me as i walked out the door. the weather in contrast with the air conditioning inside made it cartoony to try to push open the giant glass doors. i had to fight to get out the door but when i did...i sped home. the more distance between me and that place, the better. still, i have to devote some time to updating my resume this weekend. i've got some ideas, some plans, some things up my sleeve. but that's another thing, another day. i stayed up as late as i could last night. i was so anxious that i couldn't sit still. i put on the brit show i've been watching (the supersizers go...) and went to town on 5 sets of 10 squats. in the living room. i hope the neighbors saw. i hope they think i'm doing some sort of russian dance. it felt so good. it was only after that that i felt like i could wind down. i'd had a panic yesterday evening that drove me home and when i got there, i was chasing my tail so....good job, squats. i slept well enough but didn't sleep in, really. i've had a very slow, mindful morning. i'm not rushing because i know i've got hours before i need to get on the road. it's a beautiful day. i want to go for a late summer drive to the northeast, see some trees changing their leaves, maybe. i'm sure it's going to be cooler up there. i'll be able to breathe something that isn't this city air. a gulp or two of it and i'll be okay again. i'm certain of it. fall is in the air at night. the tips of the youngest trees are showing a little bit of color. the summer flew by. old people always tell young people that that's what happens and i sort of get it now, okay. sure. you were right. old people know what's up. "luckily there are only two seasons in western PA: just construction work and snowstorms and either way they cause a delay."~endless mike & the beagle club so this morning has been sets of squats between sipping coffee, a little 90210 for just a second but it was a boring one (there are a few of them that aren't really great, guys, trust me) so i just put on the endless mike and did pushups. i think i have a solid plan for the upcoming month for diy wods at home. it's making me feel better (duh) but right now, i'm squirreling dollars away for vacation next month (so so so so close to the beach, guys!) and then to get my ticket to the west for april. everything feels exciting-ish. i have missed making time for this. i miss my gym so much....i just can't afford that gym right now. in a few weeks, after vacation, things will settle down and the weather will be cooler and the money will be there again to indulge. unless my plan b does the trick. i'm going to go talk to my old coach at the gym at work and see if she's into replicating the daily wods from my gym's website for me so that i can still do the workout that works for me for oh, about 150 dollars less. and i could make it fit into my schedule with greater ease, too. my to-do list for next week. my legs feel happy. i've missed this for the last few weeks. make time. feel better. duh. no excuses. it made me happy. "so I'm always late for everything, but it's a great excuse, so i can't complain."~endless mike & the beagle club i've been trying for weeks to pin down what makes me happy because i feel like i've been on the edge of some breakdown or break through so much so that i think i'm going to go see a therapist for the first time since all those years ago. i don't want these pills. all i want is to figure out what makes me happy so i can do those things. my bike makes me happy. cooking beautiful meals makes me happy. playing games with a few people makes me happy. i have been making a list. i've been making lots of lists again. things need to be organized if i'm going to make this happen. i'm not waiting for anything anymore or for anyone. there is something so unspeakable, a feeling from the root of me that i can't express because i've never felt it before. maybe this is what it feels like to actually be determined. i recall feeling like this the summer before i first left for college. i was seventeen. i feel like a fresh start is probably what he was looking for all along. i wish i could have given that to him. i wish i could give that to sean but sean has barely made a first start...no, i'm going this alone. northwest, southwest...i've been talking with americans in these regions. i ask them what they like about living where they live. people really like to talk about that when you ask them. i'm on a hunt for home. yesterday was my birthday and the day was a blur of work and i'm really 35 now and this just makes me laugh so much because....i'm feeling a little old when i think about this number. why do i get to everything so late? i figure everything out so late. better late than never i guess. so this afternoon, i'm hitting the road for indy for the evening. tractor pull at the indy fair because it's just something i like to see, guys. i don't know why. maybe some fair food, maybe some tom's atsa my pizza. then the brown for the endless mike show. i've been looking forward to this since i knew i could go. me, ashley, jason, tom, & sean and whoever else. i'm an out-of-towner. i'm not spending a night in that town. i'm looking as much forward to the road trip there and all the fun we'll have as i am to the quiet trip back. it'll be curvy pennsylvania roads and the same memories that haunt that road for me. the reservoir holds some of my most dear and dreaded secrets. sean will no doubt be asleep in the passenger seat before we even get to saltzburg so i'll have the time to just think about things which is what i do. a summer night ride is going to be just the thing. i've decided that unless i absolutely need to have one to make the west coast leap happen, i'm gonna try to make dolly get me through until i go. i think i want to go carless on this new adventure. do i take the bike or buy a new one when i get out there? these are the questions on my list. for today, i will focus on where i am. on the people with whom i am communing. with what i am doing. i am here. i am here for now. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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