introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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this pregnant body

here i've sung before. - 20 june 2014

"being alone, it can be quite romantic /like jacques cousteau underneath the atlantic / a fantastic voyage to parts unknown / going to depths where the sun's never shone / and I fascinate myself when I'm alone."~andrew bird

this morning, my phone dinged it's gentle ding to advise me that today is the beginning of a new week of baby symptoms i'm meant to look for. on this midsummer's eve, i'm officially at the halfway point. 20 weeks by the best estimate.

only about 4 or 5 days ago i was explaining that one could hardly tell that i was pregnant yet. yes, i'm a little bigger than i was but i've also been losing weight along the way and that's on balance. i'm still wearing the jeans i wore the day i found out about this little bird and while they get a little snug just out of the dryer (did i mention that nothing brings me pleasure quite like my washer and dryer?) they're still fitting fine. then there are the dresses that cara kelly gave me and i couldn't be more thankful for them...they're all i want to wear lately.

my midwife emailed to let me know she'd received my medical records from the doctor i've been seeing here in town. everything is checking out from the tests except for my vitamin d level being extremely low and my protein level being a little low. they've got me on a vitamin d supplement and i'm trying to work in even more protein into my diet. thankfully, i'm getting back to my normal palette and healthy nourishing foods taste good again.

i called strangebird in seattle to discuss this food thing...when i have questions about healthy food, she is my go-to girl. we both seem to have the same fluxing depression and probably have for all the years i've known her. we both have our reasons but in the end, the descriptions of breathlessness and just feeling like we can't are familiar and while i don't want someone to feel the depression i often contend with, having someone understand what it feels like is a relief. i don't feel so alone in this and i don't have to struggle to explain it to her. for all the years that i've dealt with seasonal depression and then the occasional depression that comes out of nowhere and slams me to the floor, i have only been prescribed pills. and the pills 'work' in that they steady me. the lows aren't so low and i can maintain a tolerable level of normalcy but when it it comes down to it, they don't make me feel any happier than i do when i'm not taking the pills. should they, though? i think what bothers me more about the pills is that they make me feel nothing which, to me, is worse than being depressed. at least when i'm depressed, i can find a different kind of way to be productive. and after years of doctors (both my physician and head shrinkers) messing with different pills and different dosages, not one single fucking time has someone said, "hey, you know, let's get some blood tests and check your vitamin d levels."

is this news or something? how is it that, when i spoke as openly and honestly about my symptoms with my midwife she was able to pinpoint the issue down to a single test that reported exactly what she'd suspected? and if my vitamin d levels are so low...how are strangebird's doing--what if hers are low, too? could this be the key to putting the depression behind us? i don't understand why not one medical doctor ever asked me if i'd been checked. i'll have given who knows what amount of money to some pharmaceutical company and for what? god, my first world problems...

so they're giving me supplements but the midwife wants me to take considerably more than the doctor recommended. i'm sticking with her recommendations because i trust her. if it all comes down to vitamin d, i'll be so happy to put the seasonal affective disorders behind me!

as to protein, you would think a meat enthusiast like myself wouldn't have any trouble getting in the protein she needs. while it is my understanding that my levels aren't alarmingly low, i have to come up with a battle plan. strangebird was able to give me a few ideas to start with....all those bones i've hoarded in my freezer (i swear i'm not a murderer) will make excellent bone broth so i'm roasting bones this afternoon. since i've cut out the coffee on my midwife's request, i have longed for it like the addict i am...perhaps subbing the warmth of bone broth with an egg and some scallion will help a little? ha...probably not since it's cold-brew season. oh, cold-brew fucking hipster delicious summer coffee. (i'm such a snob, america.) she also advised gelatin and so i'll probably order some of the great lakes gelatin soon and mix in a bunch of these beautiful maine blueberries to make my own paleo-jello.

eggs. hummus. i've got a recipe for some baked falafel which i've been craving like whoa. i can do protein. with more hikes like yesterday's, i'm going to need to amp up nutrients bigtime. i love what moving here has done for me in regards to making healthy choices for me without worrying about whether someone else will eat it or not.

the baby has started moving around a lot in there in the last few days. i feel like i've got this secret person in there and while i don't think she can read my thoughts, i find my hands drawn to hold the spot where i can feel the movement and my inner theater becomes a love letter to a tiny stranger. i want her to know i'm out here and that i'm not letting anything happen to her. she is growing so fast now from what i've been reading that it's only a matter of days or a week before this is going to be more obvious. so that's protein and vitamin d.

i have been following a plus size blogger on instagram (thebiggirlscode) that has been painting an entirely different portrait of the plus-size woman and pregnancy than i see in any pregnant lady resources...but i'm not surprised, i suppose. did i not joke around that nobody was going to be able to tell? when i see pictures of my friends who are expecting (for instance, my friend susan rains who is only a handful of weeks ahead of me) i notice the difference and can't help but mentally compare. these slender beautiful women are popping up baby bumps and here i am, not looking entirely different than i did back in february except for this fucking glow that everyone says they can see. i've noticed that people give me strange looks when i'm tell them i'm pregnant...they usually otherwise have no idea. the next question is 'how far along are you?' and i'm still getting surprised glances when is tell them because i know this is supposed to be way more apparent by now, right?

none of this upsets me but i suspect that the if i actually had a reason to use a pregnant lady parking space, people are going to think i'm just making things up. sure, my shape is becoming slightly strangely more curvy but it doesn't look like what pregnancy is supposed to look like. still, in these last few weeks, i've grown to love this body a lot more than i did even a few months ago.

recently, in the shower, i was reminded of something i wrote here over ten years ago...probably the first time i decided that enough was enough. this is my body and dammit, i'm going to love it even if nobody else in the world does. i know this body can scream and sing and that's plenty. after all this time, i'm inclined to revisit it because i'm more aware of my own body now than i can ever remember being. every sense is heightened and foreign...from temperature regulations to the way things taste in my mouth--both flavor and texture at play here--to the places where i'm happily losing a little bit of weight to the new and substantial weight of my breasts which seem to be larger and heavier and more distracting every day. i love the way my hair feels down for the first time in my life because it feels strange on my sensitive skin but i love the way it feels pinned in a bit of an old-fashioned way because i like the sensation of the pins grazing my scalp when i turn my head. while i've always preferred cooler fall weather, i find that i'm becoming happier on the warmest days so far...i can feel every pore on my body open up to receive the warm summery air. the air smells sweet and i've not determined if it's only the blooms of spring and summer on the clean maine breeze or if my brain is playing tricks to make everything smell sweeter and more inviting. i notice that when i'm standing and, in particularly walking my long walks in the woods, i feel more grounded somehow...like my already low center of gravity has somehow dropped lower. my steps feel strong and sure and my entire body sways in a way that makes me a little embarrassed...what if someone sees my sexy woods walk? when i have my regular solo dance parties at home, i can feel the difference in my body's movement...and i'm not gonna lie, this is probably the sexiest i've ever felt in my life.

a few months ago, i had some decisions to make, i guess. if you'd asked me a year ago if i saw this coming, i'd have been a little sad but no. no i didn't expect this. i didn't expect to secretly love this whole process despite my constant joking about it. i didn't expect that i'd be so curious about my own body again in such a different happy way. for me, it was never in question...this baby was welcome from the moment i knew about her. i hope she knows that i'm excited to meet her eventually...and for now, i'm glad i've got her quiet company. and that i really wish she'd quit that thing she does when i sneeze...it's like being tickled from the inside and it freaks me out.

xo,
jones

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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