introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the lessons you taught me 11a.m. - third of may, 2001-late beautiful morning- "oh, god, if you're out there won't you hear me? i know we've never talked before. oh god, the man i love is leavin'...won't you take him when he comes to your door?"~sarah mclachlin i never know how to take it when it comes. its not something that you can ever expect. i mean...who really wakes up in the morning and mentally prepares for this sort of thing? how do you get your game face on? how do you stop the complete sudden drop in the stomach that always comes? or the feeling that i'm never going to find words again to speak? my friend sean died today. big black gay sean, i called him; big black gay sean who i loved dearly. who made me laugh. who listened to me gripe. who listened to me. who was there for me. who called just the other day, the message board that hangs in our hallway still says: "carole: shawn called." Whoever wrote it had spelled his name wrong and i chuckled, then. i mean...doesn't everyone know that gay people named shawn spell it "sean"? its a joke, not a stereotype; only a joke that shawn had made one afternoon as we sat on the steps of Leonard Hall, watching the leaves change and the sunset behind the gorgeous yellows and oranges in the grove. the last time this happened, i didn't know what to say. i mean, this is twice in one school year that i've lost someone special. this is only the second time in my life that i've really had to deal with death and i thought last time that maybe there's a skill to it; i thought that maybe, after the first time, you know how to deal with it a little better the next time. this time, i at least know what to expect. at least, i thought i did. yes, there will be a memorial service, probably. and yes, there will be people that didn't know him well that will cry. i don't know why i get a little angry...i mean...my tears mean no more than theirs, i suppose. who am i to judge how sean changed their lives? i'm just jealous and hurting and missing my friend. its just that...my tears...mine seem to hurt a lot more...to me. i don't know how to stop the hurting. it went down so fast....a beautiful day and i was getting things accomplished...it all happened so goddamned fast. i was walking along delighting in the sunshine, sunshine that i can't help remembering that sean will never know again. he will never know another summer. he will never know the change of the seasons; of summer into fall. i was walking along slowly with nacho at my side, taking for granted the friend beside me and taking for granted every person that passed me. we were talking with dennis, listening to him tell his story of being treed by some dogs in the mountains this past weekend. i was thinking that i was thankful that i'd not gone because if dennis had to climb a tree, i don't know if i would've been chomped on by dogs or not. probably so. i've never climbed a tree in my life...not like he had to. and we joked a little as trevor rode by on a skateboard and i waved hello and another friend walked by...i don't even remember now who it was. we were joking about how i know everybody. and then trevor stopped. and he carried his sandboard with the black grip surface along the top that glittered relentlessly in the sun the same way that nacho's skin does when she wears all of that glitter...and he carried his board across the grass and joined us. "did you hear about sean?" "no. what happened?" i said, not expecting... "jackie told me he drowned. nobody is sure if its true yet. we've tried calling, but all the lines are busy." it was read day. of course people were making plans to go out or to study or to drink before the first day of finals really settled onto the campus. it was a gorgeous day. of course everyone's lines were busy. sean was probably making plans to meet someone in the grove. he'd be here any second. lets not be ridiculous. my mind swam and i got dizzyish and then, i surfaced. and then, everything stopped. the world i'd known a minute before wasn't anymore. i'd taken it all for granted again and now, nothing seemed real. dennis walked away, heading towards the library after he turned and said an "i hope you're friend's alright" sort of things that friends say to one another: friends look out for one another. dennis is a good, kind, wise friend. and so, the three of us, nacho and trevor and i, walked towards the hub and the pride alliance office..because that was the only place that i could think to find solace; that was the only place that i could think of where we could get a more definite answer, either way: the pride alliance office, where people knew him; where people cared about him. it was a quiet walk. my mind refused to believe that it was real. i am always a skeptic of rumors and always want to believe the best. there, on the very bench where so many of us had smoked cigarettes and laughed together, in the cove under the cover of a small roof, sheltered from weather and sun and snow...sat mark, the faculty advisor, and jim, the kid that i'd watched for a year smoking cigarettes on the porch across the street from normrat and chris's before i ever got the nerve to finally talk to him in class. strange details occur to me at the strangest times. strange memories that i didn't know i had come up when i least expect them. i can't remember what i had for breakfast (maybe because i didn't have anything at all) but i can remember Jim's blue polo shirt the first day i noticed him. and the three of us, nacho and trevor and i joined mark and jim and the thre of us became the five of us. mark looked at us, greeting us. there was something disturbing in his clear blue eyes but there was also something in his sweet southern accent soothing my nerves, as if, with that accent alone, he was letting us know that it was all going to be okay; letting us know that it was just a horrible rumor that someone had started. but it wasn't. that smooth sweet southern accent lied. sometimes, its all about the delivery. "hi, guys," mark said, his voice slipping and twanging deliciously on the words. it was tactful, the dialogue. it was tactful and unreal...out of place, even. "have you got any news for us, mark?" trevor asked. i wouldn't have known how to word the phrase, had it been up to me. i wouldn't have found the words. i was speechless and my mouth was dry and it was all just happening too quickly...i needed to stop it for one second. i held my breath. "yes. its true." we didn't have to go into the details. we'd all heard the basics. he'd drowned. that was all there was to it. sean wasn't alive anymore. sean wasn't going to hug me hello anymore. he wasn't going to call me sexy anymore when i felt ugly. he wasn't going to wrap his strong dark arms around me and let me know that as bad as the day can be, its still going to be alright. i didn't cry right away. and then, as if a flood was set loose in my head, a hundred memories flashed. sean in a bowtie the first time i'd met him at the party at the house across the driveway from normrat and chris' house; the very house where i'd watched missy and tall jim smoke cigarettes all that time before. sean in the treehouse, drinking a beer and laughing in my living room and having fun at my parties. sean standing on the landing where it was cooler with all of the other cats that meant so much to me then...sean sitting up on one of the pillars at Leonard Hall, legs crossed like a kindergartener, smiling and laughing or complaining and casting shade. he was wonderful. tears came. i'd like to think that he didn't feel a thing. I'd like to think that he wasn't afraid. I'd like to think that he didn't even know it'd happened. My mind begs me to stop thinking about it, but it can't be helped. i keep imagining the last dive. i keep imagining the laughter...i wonder if they were having a good time? they must've been...because they kept diving and jumping off of the bridge or rope swing or however it went (it varies in my visions). i just can't stop crying. i don't want him to be scared in my imagination. i don't want to think that he was scared. he must've felt more alone than ever if he did and i just can't think like that. the reporters were everywhere, it seemed. "can i get a statement?" marie said that they'd been approaching people who "looked gay", whatever that meant. they were asking if people knew sean. they were telling them what happened. they were asking for statements. i know that hot-janelle heard from a reporter. i don't know how she is doing. i haven't seen her. i just know that i am lucky to have found out with the tact and compassion that trevor has. i was so angry at them and wanted to lash out, but i never said a word. instead, i made my way to terri smith's office. we talked to der kommissar for a little bit, and i bided my time, hoping she'd really be in for her office hours. i don't know why i couldn't talk to rubz...i needed someone else. i wanted desperately to blurt out that hey, listen, my friend just died and i have no clue how to feel or what to do. but i didn't. i heard her voice in the hallway and was relieved to see her. nacho and i sat down in her office, i on the chair thats been a refuge for me more than once this semester. i know she probably doesn't realize it, but just hearing her speak has been a great help to me when i've needed it most. i sat in the straightback chair with the armrests and she cleared another chair to the side for nacho. "my friend died." I didn't know how else to put it. i don't know that there is eloquence available to really say it, anyway. she talked. i felt comfort knowing that its okay to feel what i'm feeling: confused, angry, lost, scared, hurt. its okay that i don't know what to say. its okay that i don't know where the words all went. "light a candle. talk to friends. talk about sean. remember him. it will be your own service. it will be good." we headed home after a hug that i needed from *HER*. nobody else could have hugged away as much pain as she did in one moment. i am forever grateful to know terri. we headed home. the sunshine still blared in the gorgeous way that may days tend to glisten. i felt exhausted. i watched the news, to see if they'd determined how he'd died. apparently, they hadn't. i went to bed sort of early, after talking to brian and mark and t. good friends and good listeners mean more to me in the world than anything right now. i wanted to tell them all i loved them. i wanted to tell them that even though i might not say it every day, i love them and wouldn't know what to do if i lost any one of them. i slept. this morning, i woke to take my final. the sun was shining just like yesterday morning. it was much earlier than i'd ever be up on a normal day. the first day of finals is resting over the heads of all of the students here at indiana university of pennsylvania. grief rests in the hearts of many of us who were lucky enough to know sean. i am sad. i hurt. but i am thankful and remembering, for as long as i can, not to take these moments for granted. i'm learning again to live each day as if it were my last....to love with force, to laugh with true happiness, and to value every single second i have with friends. yes, i hurt. yes, it feels bottomless. i've learned, from the loss of my friend, that we need to remember ALL THE TIME to value each other, to listen, to love. we need to remember ALL OF THE TIME to tell people how we feel about them because it might be our last chance. i'm learning again that we have to come together ALL OF THE TIME and be here for each other through minor things as well as life changing things like this. i learned a lot from sean when he was with us about laughing and being oneself. i learned a lot from sean yesterday about life. ~in loving memory of sean taffe, friend~ ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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