introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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leaving/left

cool end of summer midnight - 4 september 2013

"it's easier to leave than to be left behind (it's pulling me apart)"~R.E.M.

my sleep schedule seems to have inadvertently switched back to normal. i keep trying to stay awake later but it's no go. the weather has finally cooled off, a little cold snap. i wore layers today. my mother is nearly ready to harvest her cantaloupe. the peppers are nearly ripe, my carrots are peaking up in the dirt. the roots are coming in. the flights are opening up through the beginning of april. in a few weeks, i'll have a number. a few weeks from then, i'll bid the days. and then i'll buy the ticket.

when i try to tell my mother my game plan, the logistics...she counters deftly. a storage unit for my grandmother's furniture. why drag it across the country if i don't know where i'm going to land yet? if i'm even going to stay out there...and today's news at work makes me feel like finding work in england will be easier than ever in a little time right around the corner. i'm trying to hard to wait this out. one day at a time. this is temporary. a storage unit makes good sense. she responds flatly: your father says that will ruin the furniture with the weather changes. climate controlled units are a thing, i tell her. i know she knows i'm going and i know it's not what she wants. i'm committing to a year someplace else. it isn't necessarily forever. it'll be forever when i call for the furniture. she is nonplused. it makes this difficult. i feel guilty.

i'm not sure if sean believes this yet. it's my fault. i'm trying to make it peaceful. i'm going. april. the scouting trip. a week. maybe a little longer. adult solo travel. such a grownup only...i'm afraid to fly.

so therapy, maybe. i've got flights on the horizon and there is only one way i know to fly. i've got a lot of weird baggage to sort out about the guilt and the list of people with whom i long to speak, the list of faces i ache to see but i never find time. i don't know how to stay so engaged. i feel entirely reclusive. i am in my head. i am content when i forget to feel guilty about making time for myself.

how have i not figured this out?

this weekend, on the road to erie to visit frank and gerri and to see erin and jeff and officially meet sylvia. getting out of town on little trips has been just the thing, i think. the extra day off helped. the short week is build up to the long days off.

my mother assures me there will be dolphins in the morning. they understand that if i'm up for the sunrise, i may likely be still up rather than up early. i am told there will be arts and crafts. they're planning on making serving trays with sea glass. dad has built the wooden trays in his shop. they're lovely as always. this weekend, i want to dig out my wood burner and try some ideas on scrap wood. ashley had a beautiful pair of earrings and it gave me an idea. crafty. it's going to be an interesting trip. they've got audio books planned for the drive. i'm getting the feeling that there will be many activities. we're going to get so many activities done!

i used my spiral slicer. now i want everything to be spiral sliced. my food dehydrator is on the ready for my pepper crop. the peppers are getting ripe.

the nights are getting cooler.
the deer have been bedding down.
the kids are back in school.
the ladies are putting away white pants.

i aim to be mindful of everything. this is home for now and i know this place is unique. i could come back. i might not. but i could. this is a special place to me, now. i want to watch the leaves change and the snow fall and the thaw and then, when my harvest has been taken next year, i want to take a train west. my dog. myself.

i'm getting better at setting aside the guilt. i'm trying really hard.

and i'm sleepy as heck.

muah.
xoxo

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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