introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- last year's man wild friday nights - 13 february 2o15 "i have never seen the bottom...the bottom of the well."~inara george it was another beautiful day in the frozen maine tundra. she understood what i meant when i said i could handle the snow because at least it was sunny. in winter, we went weeks on end back in pittsburgh with no sign of the sun, forsaken...it isn't like that here. if it isn't blowing snow, it is inimitably bright and blue and bathed in freezing cold light. after dealing with seasonal depression for most of my life, i felt like i could truly tell her...it's the first time since i can remember that i haven't wanted to put my head in an oven by the time we've gotten this deep into winter. and anyway, all the ovens are electric here. over the last few weeks, though, i've felt it creeping in. it isn't the nameless depression that i can't put my finger on...the kind that just makes it impossible to get anything done. it isn't the kind that, in the past years, made me blow through vacation and personal days and sick time quickly because i just...i just can't. i'm usually pretty wholly debilitated and it usually starts in the beginning of december and lasts until i can finally go outside wearing sandals. it isn't that kind of depression. i think the vitamin d supplements are helping with that pretty well. that and the sunshine. it's just february, i suppose. i can't help but remember where i was this time last year. am i happier now? yes, i suppose i am. so why have i tangled with my brains for over a week like this? it crept in slowly and quietly enough. "...how is your week going?" he asked. "eh, it's okay. this time last year was rough, man...." i replied. he knows...he was there. don is naturally good at bright-side-of-life kind of thinking. usually, it's hit or miss for me to get along with someone who always finds something positive no matter what. don has the dark sense of humor that meshes well with my kind of hopeful pessimism. don got to watch it all go down, even on those nights at work when ian would text the worst possible news...news that consistently leveled up in the intensity of terrible as the days wore on. no matter what happened, don was good council when i was falling apart and scared and a mess...and i'm thankful to count him among my friends. when he messaged me back, i smiled. when he does it-- when he spins it right--my head has an ah-ha! moment that lasts an instant. this is what i imagine enlightenment feels like. what a lucky girl i am to be surrounded by bodhisattvas. "the good news is it isn't last year anymore." there are times when remembering too many details about a thing--hyper-vigilance--cripples me. every detail is there and once i start a streak of remembering, it interferes with my ability to be present. a year ago today, i wasn't too unhappy. i was feeling strong then. i'd finally found the courage to go on my own again when i ended it with sean--one of the healthiest choices i've ever made for myself. in a matter of weeks, i was happy and feeling brave and trying on a different relationship with ian. i was never in love with him...there wasn't time for that. a valentine's day party at his apartment...me, an inebriated introvert in a house full of loud drunk strangers. i'd picked up smoking again after quitting for years around that time. i snuck out alone to the porch and watched the snow. i was thinking, no doubt, about where i'd been the year before and what had sean and i even done for valentine's day anyway? i sipped my bully hill sweet walter red from a plastic cup and smoked hand-rolled bali shag cigarettes and pondered how i'd never done this kind of thing in my life. i'm not much for big parties and strangers but i was trying. that was me stepping outside my comfort zone for the first time in so long. the wine eventually didn't keep me warm enough and i tossed what was left of my cigarette into a rusty can his roommates used for an ashtray on the back porch. it was full of snow and soggy cigarette filters and pretty fucking disgusting. i went back inside to get warm. "you two will make beautiful babies," he said. he was a tall beautiful--not handsome--man. he wore bright salmon and yellow shirts layered together and the colors were clean and crisp paired with his dark skin. he was pretty and he knew it; he was hip. he introduced himself as arnold--his modeling name? or was he an actor?--and we talked for awhile, i guess. i remember shaking my head no when he said that and joking that he ought not speak such things into existence....because you really shouldn't, right? that night, we told people ian was coming to maine with me even if i didn't quite believe he meant it yet. not long after we talked with arnold, i fell asleep on the classy air mattress that was ian's bed surrounded by random computer parts, bmw manuals, and heaps of his dirty laundry piled up all over the floor. it was the closest i've ever gotten to sleeping in a frat house as the party went on loudly downstairs. i didn't even spend the night. i'd agreed to pick up sean from his externship job and after some time and nap, i headed sleepily across the ohio river towards home. in the end, arnold was right. the baby is, in fact, beautiful. it has been a year. the bad stuff started coming weeks after valentine's day but on that day, things weren't so bad. i had no complaints. i was exactly where i wanted to be. anyway, the punch line is only as good as the set-up. if i inspect too closely 'me-from-a-year-ago', it makes me sad. i felt strong but i made some pretty poor decisions. all of that feels so far away from who i am now. i think that's it. i think that's why i've been feeling so sad. i've changed more in a year than i have in a lifetime. i made some poor decisions but they were the right decisions for me at the time and i remain unapologetic. this week wasn't just about this time last year. it was about finding out that my aunt has been telling my dad that she thinks i should've had an abortion. in her mind, i was likely a whore having unprotected sex all over town...nothing could be further from the truth. she asked him why i didn't get a morning after pill. i feel terrible that my father is in the uncomfortable position of having to defend me because she won't say those things directly to me. her timing is impeccable...my son is nearly three months old...now is not the time for voicing that kind of opinion. sometimes, i wish she'd know when not to say things that are so unspeakably unkind. the month is half over but i think i was letting it all get to me. thankfully, don always knows what to say. the good news is it isn't last year anymore. so tomorrow, i'll make myself a fancy dinner in my kitchen. i'll light candles and maybe i'll find some bully hill wine at the hollywood hannaford's. i'll put on a cooking show for my baby and have dinner. when the baby goes to bed, i'll have a night to myself and i'll think of better things again. tomorrow, i'm not going to worry about all the bullshit from last year. i'm going to think about the good things. there were lots of good things. fantastic things. amazing things. a handsome bearded thing. way better things that were temporary and things that will stay with me forever. february was a pittsburgh pothole in the road, march was a fucking disaster but i made it. i made it a year from there. i didn't put my head in an oven and i damned well don't have to relive it as long as i've learned from it. the good news is it isn't last year anymore. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
||||||
|
||||||