introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mercy killings every day is like sunday - twenty third of september can't really place blame because blame is much too messy. someone's bound to get it on you while you're tryin' to put it on me." difranco i'm not sure that i've done the right thing. but, the truth be told, i'm not sure that i know what the right thing could have been. it had been going on for a week now. a week today, actually. at first, i thought they were getting along grandly. i thought it was just a little disagreement. i thought they were working things out. but things hadn't gotten better as the week closed. instead, they were getting worse. i was having to intervene constantly, waving my finger and tapping at him; telling him no. and she would be so demure. but she wouldn't say a word. she'd just be there, quiet...non-aggressive. my non-aggressor. but then, thats her breed. and when i came home yesterday after work, i realized that i had been rationalizing for a week. that i had been making excuses for the trouble between them. that i thought they were just getting used to each other. brad had been biting suzie all week. i thought it was a food issue. and, as defunct thinking as this may be, i thought she was probably doing something to provoke it. strange, how i would never think that of a human...but of my fish, it was my first thought. strange to me, anyway. so i came home yesterday and he'd been biting. a lot. most of the day, i imagine. most of her tail fin had been chewed away. her bottom belly fin was gone completely. one of her little foot fins on the side of her belly, also dined upon. separation was iminent and immediate. i thought that she'd get better. i considered calling the pet guru at the HellMout where i picked them up for some advice. i considered taking the case to the manager and demanding some sort of severence for suzie because, after all, the hardware guy (who specializes in mixing paint, for christ's sake...not fish) had assured me that they were the same breed. he assured me. he couldn't answer my questions about what my finned friends might eat, but he assured me they were the same breed. and now, suzie has been eating the tropical fish flakes i drop into the tank and brad...well, we know what brad's been eating. i separated them and put him in a small bowl. i didn't want him to hurt her anymore. when i came back home from work today, she'd developed a strange muck around her...a lot like cotton. i knew it was over for suzie..just a long, slow, difficult, breathless death. i've seen this cotton stuff before. its ruthless. and so. i have been faced with a moral dilemma. a choice. was i to put her out of her misery or watch her die slowly and anguishingly for both of us? like i said: i've seen it before. i stayed with that fish until it breathed its last; until it gave up and turned on its side, slipping slowly into death after a long, and what appeared to be tiresome, fight for life. this cotton stuff is the terminal illness of the fish community. i admit that i was crying over my fish today. i scooped her out in the green net fish net scoopy thing that brian insisted i buy. she put up no fight. she resigned herself to the net...to the toilet. to the flush. my heart broke. i stayed and watched the tank refill. even now, i'm wondering if i did the right thing. i watch brad, having been returned to his tank, swimming around content, as if to say that he doesn't even notice her absence. i see him dive and swirl in the water. i very nearly hate him. and i can't help it. but can i blame him? i mean...he's obviously some sort of aggressive breed, though i know not what. he certainly is not a pink kissing fish. no, he's a monster in a one gallon tank. so who's to blame? the walmart paint mixer who tried his hand at helpful and got me my fish, though he didn't know what he was doing? brad, who can't help his tastes for delicate pink fins? or me, for flushing a still barely breathing beautiful pearly pink fish? i'm not sure that i did the right thing. but its like i said: i don't really know what the right thing could have been. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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