introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- jumper these late late nights - 9 august 2013 "this is why people od on pills and jump from the golden gate bridge...anything to feel weightless again."~the handsome family i don't know what i'm thinking. i'm coming home every night and wondering where my day has gone. this just isn't what i'd pictured all those years ago when this first started. things so rarely go as planned. my days are mentally exhausting and i'm dying to have something to do that challenges my body and clears my head. i can't wait for my new shift to start. i can't wait for my new position to kick in like whoa. i don't know how i'm getting through every day the way i am other than knowing that at this point, this is just how it has to be. i am a 195o's dad. i go to work. i earn the money. i come home to a man who hasn't ever really worked at all. i'm proud of him for going to school and getting his degree and trying. funny. i've been in this familiar place before. there is a light at the end of the tunnel...only so many more months left but i'm so exhausted from the waiting for this to be an equal thing. and i don't know if, after 2 years of supporting him, i even want to stay with him. i feel terribly about this. as it stands, we plan to part ways when i'm sorted and ready to go. i feel so much guilt about it. i think i understand so much about how toby must have felt when he was my age. i think i understand, perhaps, a little of what he must have felt when he decided to go. my heart was never mine to give again. love the one you're with. love the one you're with. love the one you're with. the mantra grows dusty and crumbles in my mind's mouth. each day, i'm heaving this huge breath and exhaling slowly and and then america washes over me and i gasp for fresh air for hours and hours and hours. this is no way to live. boy, america has some serious first world problems that would make anyone's head sick if they stopped to think about it too long. i'm so freaking good at what i do sometimes but there isn't a call that comes in that makes me glad. my word-hugs seem to be spent. there has to be something else. i want to run so far away from this....but where could i go? everyone seems so sure that portland is the place for me. irvine, california is on the board again, too, if i could just keep at this for awhile. i am going into a three day weekend to rest up for the 6o hour week i've set up for myself. overtime gets real legit after 8 hours so i can do it. just a few weeks until my grown-up vacation and the extra money might help me get in to some yoga or crossfit if i can find it on the island. fingers crossed. at least i'll have my bike along and i look forward to riding miles and miles alone. i raced home tonight. these silent nights are helping. they really are. i'm writing again for the first time in years which is how i know that things are changing. writing it down helps, i guess. i'm happy and thankful for that, anyway. tomorrow, a ladydate with rachel for a shared thai pumpkin curry & then a bunch of us at Trollbridge End for a game night. i've been looking forward to this all week. i'm trying to keep my sad to myself and i honestly don't really like talking about any of what is my head too deeply these days. i keep telling myself to listen more closely, say little. i'm getting so much better at knowing when to keep to myself in general. i know this funk will change. too many ladies and too many ladies who are pregnant. that's my theory. all the lady hormones at work are fucking up my mojo. seriously. you can't keep blaming the supermoon, ladies. this is such mundane shit. i don't even know why i'm bothering other than it's getting me started...and that's what i've needed. to start. if i don't start something, it's curtains for every dream i've ever nursed. i'm going to try to let my dreams nurse me back to happy again. i am surprised to find that i am happier in solitude and silence than i am in a room full of people. i used to ache for company but i've grown out of it. nick says i'll get lonely. i assure him i will not. those few months when i was alone in the country, i found such a deep and whole happiness in every moment. the two happiest summers of my life have been those that i've spent alone and my brain does not let me forget that. i am going to disappear. they don't believe me but i've learned a trick. i'll be gone in a blink of an eye. you'll see. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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