introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- retrospective activity supposed midnight - seventh of april, 2002(apparently) "and where did you put all those letters that you wrote to yourself but could not address?"~ani difranco strange excercises in diciplines of which i have not participated regularly for some time now, this evening. {my insides still flipping gently with the leftover tensenesses from the too many moments the dog spent ouside in the darkness, unleashed...things are always so on edge at first, i remember...now.} before we slip into verses of honesty and comparisons, the business end of things goes along the lines of my new unemployment...as in, i punched out and gave the woman back my badge and walked on out of there....and yes, i'm feeling much better, since. decongested. and so..... * *** * silent moments lately * *** * i suppose you must be doing well because you're still using his name. there are memories playing too wildly and vivid in my dreams, waking me hourly to collect some reality. there are these crazy night adventures that i remember we never had when the light shines in, lighting strips of dust through the blinds. uphill and back again, sitting in circles around bronze hookahs or wandering together in the pink and grey of sunrise in late october, fearful of birds overhead and old men at grocery stores in the morning. and it was just he and i watching vampires on the television, playing back and forth with cards, and me and my ridiculousness. and sometimes you'd come in through the window and i felt so safe to tell you everything so clearly, perhaps that you began to confuse your neils and your judes for my gravity- you said i've a way with words. and we shot the puck on the air hocky set and smoked pot in the rain while we waited for the bus to take us to walmart for groceries- you were taking your turn at domestics, mine having been so successful... and you were making a lovely dinner. the afternoons spent in my smokey dorm, walks and lunches among the oaks... my comrade. i have just as many visions this spring as every other since, and the buds bursting on the trees are not nearly the same as the ones we watched in spring, everything lush and green. and lines are drawn in activity and locations, in gaps of past in lengths and widths of the wrong thing said. i'm living life anew, far from the roving hills of three years past and memories fresh on the surface of things gone by and still, i want you to know i still remember your orange rain slicker, vinyl and belted and your matching nike knockoff sneakers and the smell of the baby oil in your hair. still remember feeling like we'd met on account of some destiny. of feeling like there was someone who really understood. ....and mainly knowing that among the buds of spring, i had finally met a comrade. even as the days of these youthful months slip away and cover memory with new layers of most recent, i still remember those most beautiful months we three shared together. i suppose everything is working out fine because you're still using his name. and as for me, i've found true love of my own. and spring unfolds. * *** * ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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