introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- hiding words nightfall harvest hidden moon - 17 september 2008 "take a little time to level out." ~bright eyes i don't know why i'm hiding so many words here lately. i am, though, i suppose. its just that...i've been trying really hard to not talk too much about him anymore. its not that i don't want to. its just that i don't feel like its something i ought to be talking about at this point. its strange to me that my thirtieth birthday came and went--the first time since i turned 23 that i didn't get some well-wishing from him. i kept telling myself i was going to treat this new decade of years with more care and tenderness and i think i'm trying. the fact is, i'm not in love with him anymore and while i think i could be convinced, probably, i just won't let myself be. so does that mean that i am in love? i don't fucking know, you know? i think that, at root, its really just the break with the familiar. its the making new memories. its the seeing something to love in every single person that walks by and trying to figure out why it is that i don't let people love me back. i don't even know what i'm saying, i guess. i suppose i'm just lonely. i'm happy on my own, mind you. i come and go as i please. i love that aspect of my life. i think i'm just getting tired of having such a wonderful bed for sharing all to myself. the very thing that got me through being so broken hearted is a span of hurtful reminder in its span of comfort pillow-top. i want somebody badly. i just wish i knew someone who wanted wanting badly by someone like me. whatever that means. this word hiding thing? i don't know. i feel like my voice was more honest in those days...i want to find those roots again. it isn't just a reporting...its just...all of this introspection and this seems a safe place for keeping it, maybe. most have forgotten it...and the ones that do remember are kind folks that i'd probably end up sharing these things with over a cup of coffee in a quiet corner of some restaurant anyway. i just need to clear my head, probably. today when i watered the plants on the porch...banana tree, two monster aloes, the hydroponic experiments, and my jade...i thought about when i got that plant. it was from my father when i'd first moved into that little place we shared in the ghetto. those were happy happy emotional days that left me plenty of wreckage when they were swiped away. i never wanted him to resent me. i didn't think he'd want me to resent him and so i don't. i just want to wipe him from my memory, to cut those layers from the rings of barky skin on the trunk of my growing jade cactus. i wish everything didn't have so much memory in it for me. i want somebody badly...an emotional jedi of sorts, even. my orders...are tall orders. special orders. i want. simply. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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