introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the best laid plans 2am - 4 october 2013 "i was surprised when you called me a lady 'cause i"m still not so sure that that's what I wanna be."~neko case well. i'm back from vacation, guys. lesson learned: don't make any plans on vacation. you might not get a rainy day. you might just find that the days have slipped away and you never looked away form the waves. (i didn't. they never stopped.) each day, i kept at least 2 hours minimum of sacred silent time. just watching. the waves, guys. they never stop. ever. i'm glad that i elected to visit the beach with my family rather than steal away to the mountains for a week of silent retreat with the buddhist monks, that's for sure. it was the other plan for the time but i'm so so glad i did what i did. when my parents rolled up in the van, it was overloaded with all the things (read that: all the toys my father decided had to go to the beach including the kite and accouterments, several beach-worthy structures meant for blocking sun--you need more than one?, the telescope, a fucking minfridge?!?!) i'll admit i got a little teary when they told me. the bike had to stay home. they were concerned for the weight in the car. my bike. the one i'd waited to bring all year, imagining pedaling up and down the shoreline until i couldn't pedal anymore and then i'd go to the beach because i'm not really a beachy kind of girl in that i could easily be mistaken for something that came out of the sea and just beached there. haha. as it turned out, the bike could have come but so it goes. i could have cut my clothing luggage in half (and i'm already one of the lightest packers i know these days) because it was all biking clothes that were expected to be drenched in the salt of sea-brined air and sweat. i haven't taken the time to be so still in so so so many years. other than the short visits for retreats to the monastery, i rarely have so much silence, so much time to myself, so little commitment, and absolutely nowhere to be. so i'll admit it. i brought the laptop but didn't really crack it much except to research sharks. i didn't get a lot of writing done down at the shore. i didn't do much but i've come back so revived and so ready to plan my next trip. yes. vacations are a thing i decline to ever put off again. there will be more vacations. i don't have to go to the beach but i have to go places, even if i go alone. i started this mental list of everything i wanted to write down. the way sharks look when you can see them in the waves that are lit up in the sun. the way it is easy to forget that saltwater isn't really something you should ingest (but you're probably going to remember as soon as you start puking it up!) the joy of spotting dolphins in the binoculars as they're following a fisherman's boat and playing in the bubbles. learning about tracking sharks and how to spot them before you ever see them. watching every pelican to see if it gets snatched out of the air by a shark which would serve it right for being so bold as to skim over the waves like they do (none got eaten.) the way watching my dad trying to get his kite up in the air was, at first, like watching a continuous shot bech version of the Red Balloon play out over the course of an afternoon. the way my sister can pull off shrill better than seagulls. the way it humanizes my parents to see them do things they like to do like watching my dad play games with seabirds, tossing them bits of bait shrimp my mother gave him to toss at them because he loves birds so much or watching my mother plod through Good Housekeeping, October 2004 because she is just getting around to it (this should be a post all its own because i've got so much to say about that bit, honestly.) the sense that you're just a paper doll version of your parents and that all that crazy is my crazy and i'm thankful they're weirdos because they raised me to be a weirdo, too and i'm glad of that most days. of how to swallow a lump in my throat as my mother tells me she's sad i'm not married and that i don't have anyone like she had my dad. i didn't realize they were married just before she turned 22. i thought they were a little bit older. how i swallowed--rather, choked down--the knot in my throat and tried to do anything to stop from crying because i am thankful every day that i'm not married and she doesn't realize that. there has never been a time when it would have been right, right? or maybe it would have changed everything. maybe even my name. but really, more about hearing the sadness and disappointment in her voice and wishing that even thought it was dark out and we were a few hundred feet from the surf, i wanted nothing more than to be eaten by a sharjk than to have to assure my mother that i am fine when i fact, lately, i really haven't been, you know? not even close. also, did you know that there is a research project where you can follow the paths of different species of sharks around the world? you can. i wanted to tell you all about that.oh, have you noticed a shark thing?seriously, that's just the first few things in my little journal that i wanted to write about here. but listen, sharks... i mean, i love shark week as much as the next guy but it really takes going to the shore and talking to the folks who live there. "hey, why isn't anyone going in the water? oh? sharks swimming up and down the beach, oh?and they're in foot-deep water? good to know. nowhere to check out like an alert system online like you can for bacteria when you go swimming in lake erie? you just have to know? any time you're in the water there is probably a shark 20 feet from you? also good to know." yeah. sharks are badassery, guys. that's just all there is. i swam in the seawater a few days. mostly, though, i was simply content to sit in a lowrise chair, slathered in sunscreen, sometimes an audiobook plugged into my ears as often as not, feet dug contentedly in the sand, left to play lifeguard while my parents and sister splashed in the waves. i just wanted to match the waves with my breath. to scan the horizon with binoculars and watch naval ships and fishing boats. okay, honestly? i was on shark patrol but don't nobody need to know about that... my dad doesn't like for my mom to be reminded of scary things (eyeroll) so we all pretend like diy live shark week was NOT the only reason i didn't rent a bike (it was.) i wanted to see shark week happen 20 feet from my chair. "c'mon, pelican...just a little lower." it was a happy enough week. i also learned that i fucking LOVE southwest airlines. my biggest fears of flying come from the people with whom i must travel. this is no secret. it takes a lot of xanax or wine or whatever to get me on a plane or at least it has in the past. a connecting flight is a chance to re-up, right? my parents dropped me at rdu and you know, i'm thirtyfuckingfivefuckingyearsold so i figure you don't need your mom to make sure you get your baggage checked and get through security even if she DID work for the airlines all those years. nope. i straightened up, checked my single bag, took my shoes off and walked through the naked-scanner with my hands over my head. i hope they liked seeing all the metal and fat. good job, tsa. honestly, they were as friendly as could be. and there was a carvel (that i didn't actually visit) in the airport which pretty much made my day because who doesn't like a Fudgie the Whale joke even if it is only in her head and she looks like a crazy person grinning to herself about nothing at all. yeah. that's me. yeah, but none of these things have anything to do with why i liked southwest airlines so freaking much. so here's why. they've got this ridiculous boarding procedure that goes against everything you learn if you're an airline brat used to flying standby. you know. you're used to RULES. since i didn't have to worry about any crazy dress code (the pains of perks, right?) i was able to travel comfortably enough but i fully expected that when i had the boarding pass in my hands, it also mean that i'd have a seat assignment and i'd get on when they called my row because THAT IS WHAT YOU DO, right? nope! there is something completely mass-transit-after-terrorism/9/11 that they've got going that make me think ain't nobody gonna hijack a southwest plane because that hijacker is never gonna get on the fucking plane and here's why: you don't get a seat assignment. you get a priority number. they've got these posts with numbers grouped by 5s and you have no choice but to break the ice with all the strangers getting in that same flying tin can as you. while you all get in line like so much chattel, you're basically forced to make nice : "what's your number?" "i'm 45." "i'm right after you, then!" what hijacker is going to be like "my number is 5" and look in the eyes of their fellow passengers and not either be 1)figured out or 2)so moved by the humanity around him that he abandons the mission. if i get on a southwest plane that is hijacked, i'm seriously going to want to talk to the people who had the numbers before and after the hijacker to find out where they dropped the ball. f'real. no joke. okay, maybe a little joke....but it really did make all the difference. i'm nearly compelled to write them a letter but then i think...what if they think i'm a terroristahijacker writing them a warning letter and i get carted off to some secret camp where the only activities are waterboarding and....thats it? yeah, maybe just give them a good quick yelp review, maybe... not only does this seem so much more relaxed for the people taking all those boarding passes, it's the most efficient thing i've ever seen. get on. find a seat. sit in it. we're all in this together. find a place where your'e comfortable. the plane that came in to take me from rdu was about ten minutes late and they even said, "guys, we wanted to get you off the ground six minutes ago but you know...you've got to sit down before we can go." it was like being on a trip with mom and dad anyway! i had the entire back third of the plane to myself. i could have snored the whole way if i wanted to. i didn't. i read skymall. i mean seriously. i love skymall so much. i haven't seen it in forever (since england) so it was a pleasant thing to look forward to. i never panicked. not once. they had me back to pittsburgh about 5 minutes earlier than they promised. the baggage claim was a breeze. i'm pleased. i look forward to flying with them again. i believe their logo is correct: hearts & wings. yes. that's how i feel precisely. good job, southwest. you may have changed how i feel about flying. i hope you get lots of destinations. in other news, i bid the new shift for the creative solutions team position i accepted at work and now i get weekends off rather than sunday/monday which is the closest thing to real-life i've seen in years, too! working late is my preference so i'm 215-11pm for the next 6 months. good for winter. let's 'em clear the roads. at night, i'll keep a spare change of clothes at my folks' house just in case i cant make it over the rivers and up the mountains to the trollbridge. and i get to sleep. and i get to stay up late in all the quiet which was the point all along, right? so there's that. it's back to work. i barely know what i do anymore and i like not feeling like i'm sleepwalking through my day. hoping this little rest of rests is going to carry me into the new year. i am energized and finding my footing. also, sidenoteoclock: the new neko case and the new mazzy star albums are so amazing that i've barely come up for air. i've even put Clash of Kings on hold for now to just immerse myself. oh, and the new moby which was nice the other day but i haven't spent too much time with it yet. with each new album i've purchased, i've been increasingly happy to remember how much i loved music once and how it got away from me for awhile. i've loved finding new songs to love. finding parts of me that i'd forgotten because i've been too busy or too sad or too worried what diving into the things i love might conjure up in memories....because sometimes, music, above all, catches my breath and i remember something i hadn't thought of in all these years and it hurts or it brings me a smile or it brings me some laugh or joy but sometimes, i'm just not prepared. robot heart, guys. i've worked so hard to work on it and i've gotten so good. i'm so wide open again as i often get at this time of year before the snow and winter blues settle in. hoping this dose of out of season sunshine, all the energy i swear i'm storing from the pounding surf (which i honestly believe has calibrated calm back into my pulse with its steadiness)....i hope all of it adds up to a bright winter. this is how i'm supposed to be. this is how i want to feel all the time. nearly a week back but with so much to juggle, plates to spin, places to be, people i want to hug and love on. my niceness is officially at 100%. please unplug from charger. conserve. go forth. love. until, guys, jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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