introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- good things in the evening - 6 july 2014 "i would never ask about other nights--only a fool would spoil it all. i would never ask about other nights--when I'm with you the memory is gone."~dark dark dark it was a dark dark dark kind of day except for those couple times i listened to a song sent to me today from a friend-from-another-lifetime. then, with that song playing, it was just a dance party...but one that made me want to actually go out dancing. not such a simple want to have in this town, guys. mostly, though, i've been listening to dark dark dark on repeat and singing to this little one. i read that she can hear bass tones most easily so, even when i drove to boston, i've been turning up the bass a little so she can listen, too. i also saw in the natgeo piece i was watching that she will start to recognize songs that are repeated frequently. i've been singing to her ever since. my midwife visited this afternoon. we talked about my meal plans and she went over the lists of foods i've consumed. we reviewed my medical records. so far, so good. today, now that my bedroom is unpacked, we did the exam portion in my own bed. she heard the baby's heartbeat though the kiddo just keeps moving around in there and hiding a little and being generally difficult. it took her awhile to find it but everything is fine and as it should be. we discussed the likelihood that it'll be a little girl...i don't care either way, truly. she informed me that she won't even tell me what it is when it is born...that it is 'my gift to unwrap'. something about that seems a little special to me. we discussed my plans for circumcision if it's a boy, namely that i don't have plans to do it. if a boy decides that he wants to have it done, we'll cross that bridge but that just isn't my decision to make. everything that you see on tv is basically out the window on this pregnancy and i love the little sweet thoughtful things like not having a doctor yell, "it's a boy!" before you even get to meet the kid. i'm more glad i'm doing it this way every time we meet. she gives some of the best hugs--not ashley dupack hugs but still, they're the best around here. talking with her was the second time i had to talk about ian in the last 24 hours...just explaining that he'd popped up again and what that means...and truly, i don't know what it means. it doesn't mean a lot to me. the thing is, when i'm talking with this fella with whom i am so enamored, i don't think about ian. i don't think about sean. i don't think about toby. i don't think about any of them. it feels like nothing mattered until now and i'm not entirely sure why that is...everything that happened before just doesn't matter. i want to meet someone where they are now. and maybe this is all part of what i was getting at about being ready for something worthwhile. i don't need to talk about all of that old heartache because it isn't who i am now. i've got bigger things on my plate than those men, women, their problems, my problems, and all the reasons none of it worked out. and for this same reason, i don't ask about his versions of the past...he is who he is right now when i've met him. down the road is it something that will come up? maybe...but i just don't need to know nor do i care too much. i've learned what i needed to learn each time and it made me into something new and different each time. every time i've learned about the other people that someone has dated, i start comparing myself to those situations....could anything ask for more trouble? if that kind of thing makes me feel uncomfortable, it makes sense that it would work the other way, too. i've loved other people...it made me who i am now. i want him to know who i am now. it's probably the happiest and healthiest me he could know anyway. this is not to say that i'd keep things because i wouldn't...but he's mentioned more than a few times not wanting to know about other folks and that's fine with me. i like it. it is good to be home...i like the city a lot but escaping back to bangor was the first time it really felt like home to me. i know the streets, i know the exits. i know where my grocery store is and where to buy my stamps, i'm settling in here. i've got my music and my dance parties and my doodles and my books. i've got the woods and a easy path to the shore. i want to share all of that with him eventually...but i like one day at a time, for sure. it is what it is for now but i'm welcoming entertaining daydreams of something with more proximity. good things, america. xo, jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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