introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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cravings and clarity

post game (of thrones) - 7 april 2014

"black is the truth / of my situation. / and for those of my station in life / all other colors lie."~suzanne vega

this week has been packing. and finally getting in vegetables without too much trouble...i am thankful that things seem to be leveling out a little. still expecting the seasickness to come back any second but i had heaps of veggies piled on pizza last night...the tastes of things are extremely intense and i'm inclined to try new things...not all for good, though. i'm thinking of baking up some macaroni and cheese but get nervous that as soon as it's made, i'll not want it. i despise the waste of food. i've found someone to take nearly everything i couldn't stomach when the time came. whew.

books are packed. all the glasses and mugs are packed. most of the pans and all of the baking tools. boxes are filling up but there are so many boxes left. finding homes for the things that sean left behind. there are so many things but i've been here before. left to let each thing go alone. it took time before. lesson learned, it is all going to the curb or the folks at hack pittsburgh (if they want the parts to all the computers left in the attic) or to the goodwill. clothes are packed. the woman from the moving company is coming tomorrow for the estimate. the washer and dryer have a buyer coming tomorrow. i got the old chairs and table over to mark's and finally gave him that giant old black lamp that i haven't turned on in years. i've started returning books to their owners. i am being realistic about the storage i'll have once i land at the new place. i'm only keeping worthwhile things. it is the finest feeling to purge. a second purge will happen when i arrive, i sense but i've considered this and i'm bent on only taking the things i can actually use.

saw five of my favorite people this weekend, too. saving up hugs (ashley's go pretty far) to take with me. this week, i had therapy. i am confident and clear on so many things that i couldn't quite sort out in recent weeks. i understand that my decision to allow the baby's father to come with me to maine is the right choice for me. i have been clear and communicative that i am not interested in ever having a relationship with him outside of co-parenting. this is a petri dish situation where we'll see how we manage in the first few months. if it goes well, after the baby is born, we'll see how parenting together goes--a non-traditional household.

i have been clear that i have to explore my options as a single parent and what i need to do to protect my rights. i am not going to keep the father from the baby and i want him to be a part of her life as long as that's healthy for all of us. i want him to have the opportunity to know her and to be able to be a better person than the person i've known for her and for himself. if he can't do that, he can't be a part of our lives. i have realistic expectations and i have clear boundaries. i am not making excuses for him--between us, we're roommates. i will do my own thing, have my own adventures, and do whatever i need to do to provide a good and healthy and happy life for this little thing. i'm going to need help. i'm admitting that and he is willing to help. we have to accept the help that comes to us and i'm willing to be kind and reasonable with the baby's father. i forgive him. but that is all there is. for now, i only have good thoughts and i'm laughing at the ridiculousness of the whole thing, truly.

and i'm eating vegetables and hoping i'm turning a corner. i've got a busy few weeks ahead of me but i'm looking forward to getting out to Seattle and leaving all of this behind for just a few days. i want to be able to taste all those foods i've heard about and enjoy every minute with one of my favorite people (and her husband!) and then i come home to say goodbye. and then i say goodbye.

things are getting so fast but i'm keeping up okay. some boxes a day. a craving for pastry with red berry fillings, pepperoni rolls, and (finally!!) sweet potatoes. if i can get some veggies in me and finally get down my usual diet, i'm pretty sure i can take on just about anything.

it's bedtime for this lady, america.

oh, and one more thing: sleep number has been incredible and replaced the unit on my bed and they're going to help with the frame aspect that had a known issue. i'm so impressed by their customer service. my bed is still my favorite place and my sleep number has been changing every night. super thankful for this bed maybe now more than ever.

xo.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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