introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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two little red gelcap balloons

should be sleeping - eighteenth of january, 2002

"yesterday i woke up sucking a lemon."~radiohead

i suppose getting more DayQuil would have been a mistake. but i have to admit that i loved the shaky caffienated buzz wave edge i balanced on for the first five or six hours of the work-night. i didn't exactly delight, however, in the fact that the combination of 1.)the creepy guy at mcdonalds and 2.)the empty-stomach-jammed-with-medicine shroud that coated my stomach like evil peptol bizmol that made it hard for me to want to keep my dollar menu dinner down...but i managed.

there was this guy. this creepy pigfaced sort of shady unshaven guy and i don't know where i knew him from and that sense of fear of some impending doom that i got...well, it bothered me because i think that sometimes, my reality mixes up with slight combinations of the matrix and a philosophical debate on the thing, where the thing isn't itself but instead becomes merely the sensory discussion of said thing. i digress,madly.

its gonna bug me for days but meeting eyes with him made me squirm in my skin and made my skin slink away like the new cat on the porch who doesn't trust us.

i'm not making much sense and i owe this feeling of senselessness-making to 1.) the germ infesting my bloodstream and brain and 2.) the bio-weapons i'm inflicting on my own body to kill said germ and all of the possible permutations and warpings and clones of vile said germ.

i know that my fingers are cold.

i know that i've been thinking in lines of lyrics rather than thoughts and its been all disconnected like...like what? like ballons floating away from a bunch: one. at. a. time. into the beyond, each one forgetting the others or how it got to be in the first place. thats thinking...on DayQuil gelcaps.

going back to work is...sweaty and irritable. like. late august. its sticky and, even when i'm not germ-ridden, its sort of...closing in around me like walls can somehow manage to in movies sometimes. i know he feels it, too. and his thinking has me thinking that maybe its time to start thinking about returning to school. about time to get a degree in -something- before the job gets me and i don't know it til one morning when i wake up and wham...i'm goin' on fifty one years of age and yeah, i've got health care and a bit of life insurance (which will probably make me worth more dead than alive) and some inflattion-sensitive discounts on clothes that already don't fit me and what else to show for it? i'm feeling motivated in my sickly return to rows of boxes and phrases like "full blown lesbian" running through my head. motivation sometimes comes in fear's costume.

(may i take this oppertunity to mention that i have no idea what a full blown lesbian is. i mean....is this...like..in comparison to a half-way lesbian or...something...ah, another issue for ponderings...)

but they cut me a small slice of paycheck and got me a new supervisor who i admire from afar, hoping that this is the factory saviour we've been waiting for...needing. they cut me some cash so i can have clean laundry and so i will continue to send those clothes to parts of the country that i'll never see and while i'm doing it, i'll think mind-thawing thoughts and try to piece together my balloony past:

how the hell did i get here anyway?

i find myself slowing in snow

that isn't there

even in january

my hands are cold

but i remember fires

in your fireplace

at your place

on franklin road

deep in christmas tree farm country

and we played cards

and we drank tea

and

i'm sticking on mindpaper,

inhumane

like that stuff they set out

for the mice

and i chew off

my

mind's

proverbial

foot.

(ow.)

i'm slowing down

like bendryl and grass

in august,

sleeping

not asleep

on the lawn

basking in the cool

of metal on my flesh

those times

seem so close by

but i don't remember coming here

i don't remember choosing this

i don't remember going to sleep

most nights

i just remember the snooze button

when the alarm comes on

and i keep going

so they'll keep paying me

and i keep asking myself,

sticking on the words,

being too careful to word it

as delicately as i can...

as not to seem too judgemental...

but god...

how did i get here?

* * * * *

until, cats. keep up the vitamin c and the super b complex and eat soup. stay well.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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