introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i am from _____. midnight, or shortly thereafter - twenty sixth of march, 2001-sunday, sunday. it was a cleansing weekend. i spent friday night wondering aching with empty bed syndrome that hits me on occasion after i've enjoyed sharing my bedspace with another. this is not to say that my hi-fi super duper celibate streak has come to and end. no, in fact, far from it. i've put too much effort into maintaining whatever purity remains with me to quit now. yeah, i still get ansy and achy and lonely and shaking with hormones that beg to be reckoned with. its just not going to be worth it to me anymore to share a few uninspired moments wrestling around when i'm not in love; when its not something there for the long haul; when its not something forever. yes, i had company sharing my bed on thursday night. yes, i enjoyed it. its that serenity that comes with sharing the night, of hearing someone breathing rhythm next to you, of waking up with someone rather than alone like every other morning. i don't know if it'll happen again, but it was a nice change from the norm. so, i spent friday night pondering the largeness of my bed and drifting in and out of uneasy sleep. i don't mind the solitude and i appreciate the reminder he gave me without saying a word. i can't be alone forever....maybe now i'm getting so i can open up a little more. maybe mark was right, after all. i just need to learn to open up and let people get close. D is right. That is my forever flaw. Saturday morning was not so grand. I woke early to get my belongings packed to go home-but-not-home. Having recently pierced my nose, I dare not go back to my parents' til it is damned good and healed and, by the same token, easily concealed. i was going to brian's for a night. his sister was competing in the slippery rock bikini/body building/fitness contest. she is one of my best (and only)girlfriends and I wanted to be there for her. I showered and dressed. I was uncomfortable in my skin. I undressed and redressed. I was more comfortable. I listened to the David Grey cd that brian made for me very loudly. He called: he'd overslept. I don't think i was terribly suprised. I argued with my father online for a bit. He is the one person that can make me and break me so completely that its nearly insane. lately, he's been big on the breaking again, though he might not realize it. i think he forgets who i am, sometimes. i think he forgets that there isn't too much ordinary about me on most days and that he probably shouldn't expect me to be cookiecuttergirl. after a rather immature argument on the final weekend of spring break, i haven't had much to say to him. it feels like whenever he seems like he's learning to accept me for all of my flaws, differences of opinion, clashing lack of religious faith, and differing morals, he goes back to feeling like he's got to set ridiculous limits and start enforcing rules because he is the father, rather than because they are reasonable expectations. it feels like whenever i get to regretting not knowing him well, he makes it so that i don't regret not calling home. my father is an enigma that i will never fully understand. he is the smartest person in the world if you ask me. and some days, when i can see beyond how much he hurts me without even knowing, he's my hero. i am forever looking up to him, and forever falling short of what he expects of me. we argued. maybe it was a good thing, in hindsight, that we did. i was in no mood when the telemarketer called. i've spent the last year catching up on debts and paying of creditors. i was never great with money, but i'm finally feeling like i can see the light at the end of the tunnel....but some days, it feels like maybe the light is one big mirage. it was barely ten o'clock in the morning when whatever the hell his name was rang on our line. i expected that it'd be brian to tell me that he was on his way. on saturday mornings, there is nobody in our house awake at ten-o-fucking-clock. he was calling from discover, he said. now. consider, for a moment, how easy it might be to lose track of what cards you're paying off and where your money is going when you've been paying off nearly ten cards that have been maxed out (hey, it was one hell of a summer). My debt is finally small. I just recently finished paying off what i thought was my last card. I hadn't counted on the discover. somehow, that bastard card slipped past me. so. as any creditor would, they wanted their money. and, ordinarily, this would constitute no problem. i would pay the minimum and bust ass just a little harder at work to send them larger chunks of money to get it taken care of and behind me. this bastard wouldn't hear it. we argued back and forth about pawn shops (illegal in pennsylvania) and how college students aren't poor. i don't know where he lives, but apparently, he isn't getting a three hundred dollar gas bill. i want to know where he lives. i want to live there, too. so, after twenty minutes of arguing with him (because it was finally time to take a stand against being called at that ungodly hour) i hung up the phone, drained of all of the wit one could possibly have to spend on a saturday morning. i went back to the computer. danny was up. "i'm going to rock city," he said. "oh. have a good time," i replied. "what's wrong? something's wrong," he offered. "lots." and after that, a wild range of conversation about where our "relationship" stands, and if there is anything left, really. I don't know anymore. I have been wondering if you can really call it a relationship when its over wires. I've been feeling so disconnected from him lately. I've been feeling very disconnected from a lot of things. So. I guess its time to be honest with myself. Maybe there isn't really anything there, after all...in a time when I'm trying to be realistic and practical more than ever, it isn't practical to love him, maybe. but then, what real love was ever practical? i think we settled on deciding when i get there...but the weekend was cleansing, like i said. "when I get there" might not be an option anymore. brian finally came. danny left for his club. we put my things in his truck and drove. i always feel most free driving with brian in his truck or with mark in his family car. we turn the music up loud, light cigarettes, and talk. i think the road gives me a sense of leaving things behind; of getting somewhere. i think its high time i get somewhere. we went to the bikini contest. vic won. (congrats and hugs and trophies and flowers and all the things that i can't give you for real, vic.) we went to Elephant and Castle for dinner with her family and some of our friends. It was amazing food and a good time. Brian and I headed back to Cranberry, for it was getting late in the day. We talked a bit and I finally said some things out loud that I've been toying with in my head for a long time. Its looking like I'm spending my last semeseter of skool. Anyway, its mostly late here...i have a poem i wanna share...but right now, i've gotta get my z's. please help me, tho. i need to pick a new place to live....a state of the united states, perferrably. let me know what state you find to be the most glam and *why*. email [email protected]. make the subject "hello, my name is serendipity and i am from ______." kentuckey and the dakotas are right out, as is iowa. go from there. fill in the blank. love you, kitties. more tomrrow. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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