introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the big news after midnight barely - 3 april 2014 "oh my mama / she took my little hand and held on tight/ oh the mamas give the waters of their wells / oh the mamas give the babies this very dirt we're walking on / oh my mama / she gave me these feathered breaths / and your Mama / she gave you those feathered breaths too."~alela diane i know it has been too long. this year has been a freaking m night shyamalan movie, guys (this was nick's suggestion but probably the most apt description i've heard yet)...and it's only the 3rd of april. barely. barely. in early february, i knew that loving the one i was with had to end. i knew that i was all out of love and all out of trying. in mid february, the company i work for announced they were closing the center where i work but we had an opportunity to relocate. i knew that i was going alone when he asked me to stay. i've stayed for men before and i've always lived to regret it. my feet have ached for an adventure for more than ten years and i knew this was my now-or-never. so i'm moving to bangor, maine at the end of this month. everything is moving so quickly. i ended things with sean. i met another man and though i never intended for it to be more than a friendship, our relationship sprung up rather organically and i was fast in love. but what have i learned in so many years? fast love never lasts, does it? he said he wanted to come with me. he went with me to find a place and we signed a lease. i believed i had finally found someone i could love truly and purely again...we were both broken hearts in need of a fresh start. my heart is older, wiser. it was so fast. i won't go into the devastation and hearbreak i felt when he told me he wasn't coming with me. but still. adventure. i'd signed on. there is no turning back. maine, guys. i'm moving to maine. so movers are coming to take my things away. i'm still making my trip to seattle to visit one of my oldest dearest girlfriends and while i know that seattle isn't where i'm going to land...and it isn't portland either...i'm not ruling any of these places out for my future. for now, i'm going to find my own future. i feel more brave than i've felt in my life. our relationship was fast, this fella and i...fast enough that i now know that i'll be expecting a little one in my life by the end of the year. i was shocked, scared. now i am wrapping my head around it. the fella is getting there, too. he wanted children so it isn't such a stone's throw from the tiny dreams i was dreaming for us both. he wants to come with me now and so i'm going to let him because i can't imagine what it would be like to be him...to finally get the one thing you'd wished for only to have it move 15 hours away. and i'll need help. i've never taken care of much that wasn't a house plant or a dog. i mean. i nurture...but i had fears of nurturing another human being. i think i can wrangle this, though. i don't love him like i loved him but i think he means to be a good father and that's all i can ask for. i don't want anything else from that relationship. i hope that someday, when they ask her who her favorite fella is, she'll say the same thing i do: my dad. if he can't be that guy, then we have no need for him in our lives and i will protect her like a grizzly bear. and let's be real. at my age (35 now) and my weight (though lower than i've been since i was 24 thanks to hard work) there are going to be risks. it could all be over tomorrow with no little bird to show for it. i'm trying to be practical....and yet i find myself getting more attached to the idea every day. when i was 28 and toby had just left, i reasoned that i was getting to be too old already and decided matter of factly that if i didn't meet someone, i'd do it on my own when i turned 32....but 32 came and went and there was nobody i particularly loved and even when sean and i did try, nothing came of it...so i figured i was going to be one of those women who never knows what her body could do. at 35, this was just no longer on my radar. but here i am. hoping. scared. hopeful. did i mention scared? so that's what's going on, america. it's barely a taste of everything that has been hurled at me in the last few weeks but here i am. standing stronger than i ever have. because i have to. because i'm not just taking care of me, anymore. in the winter, in a land far from here (at least 15 hours driving), there will be a little bird to care for and nurture through the winter and through her life. or his life. whichever. one day at a time. it's about all i can manage. i just wanted to return to this space because i think i'm going to need a place to put it all...for her (or him.) from here, its all puke and moving boxes and lobsters and adventures. if this little passenger thinks for one minute i'm wasting a day inside this summer, she's wrong. we're going to climb ketahdin and cadillac. we're going to bike in the bangor city forest. we're going to do it all. her life will be an adventure, too. for now, it's puking and a hunt for midwives in new england and figuring out how this motherhood thing works. until, america. i hope you're sleeping well. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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