introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- diphtheria, and tetanus, and pertussis. (oh my.) day-old - 4 february 2015 "if only happiness grew on trees i'd be fine i could've turned off the headlights on the highway that goddamned moon was so bright and the snow just bounced the light everywhere. every tree had a moon shadow and i drove north to pick him up from the nanny's...the snow is still caught in the trees, cake-icing on the balsam. there is a drift that is hanging off my roof, defying gravity as it reaches for the drift on the ground that seems to be piling ever higher every day. another seven to ten inches? sure, whatever...what difference does it make now? i don't think i'm going to get sick of this. when i made it to old town, i crossed the bridges over the penobscot...one hop to an island, another hop to the other bank. the river freezes on one side of the island but not on the other. i ran into the densest patch of fog i've ever seen in my life last night as the air warmed a little there by the river...ice fog. i've never even heard of ice fog until i moved here. i've got so much to learn. i brought him home and he was already fast asleep. she'd fed him late and he wouldn't wake up to eat again so i put him to bed. i let sammy out in the frigid night, standing outside with him in the crunching snow, letting him sniff around and do his dog thing. that moon, though. damn that moon. i invited sammy to let out a late night howl with me. he declined. i'll be glad when the kiddo learns to howl at that moon. we'll be a chorus of coyotes, the two of us. my neighbors who don't know me probably think i'm certifiably nuts or a werewolf or both. it wasn't long before i crawled into bed, too, no matter that my head hadn't slowed down much from the day. i set the alarm for 6am to get the little guy to his doctor's appointment. it amazes me that we get out the door some mornings let alone making it to appointments on time but we manage it. it's a little bit of ballet to make it happen but we do it. he was a little stuffed sausage of happiness, even if it was early. we listened to music while we got ready. i've had so many decisions to make for this little guy over the course of the last year...from what food i put into my body to the details of giving birth to what kind of diaper to use...researching formulas...researching vaccinations. sometimes, it's overwhelming to me. i just try to sort through the information, make the best educated choice. i want to be able to tell him that based on the information we have, i did the best i could for him. vaccinations are the most tricky thing i've had to scope out yet. there is a lot of conflicting information out there and i've been lucky to have two doctors that have been working with me to come up with a prioritization plan. the other night when i was home for a snow day and suffering some pretty major cabin fever, i flipped through channels on the tv and landed with anderson cooper. now, sure, i tend to sway to the left on most issues and a lot of times, i agree with what i'm hearing on shows like that. i keep in mind that they are editorials, for the most part, but i sure did get frustrated this time around. this whole new upsurge of measles and the obligatory media surrounding vaccination all of a sudden only adds to the breathless feeling i get when i have to sit down and try to figure it all out. one of the guests on anderson cooper's show actually made me pretty angry...suggesting that at least some doctor's offices were changing policies to scare parents into getting vaccinations and that that was perfectly acceptable. why should we be scared into it? why is fear a better proponent of something than facts and general education? fear-mongering makes me angry and i'm naturally inclined to rebel against whatever i'm supposed to be doing because i'm supposed to be afraid of it...but i'm able to be more objective now because this is important. it gets pretty confusing and this latest round of hype is only adding to the crap to have to sort through. i don't want to do something for my kid because i've been made afraid. i want to do it because it's the best thing for him and i want to feel assured that i'm making a good decision. when we got to the doctor's office this morning, it was the same old paperwork to sign. no, no hep b vaccination...as far as i know, the little guy STILL doesn't have any hot dates and we're not sharing needles here at the house so i think we're okay for now. today it was time for whooping cough, though...he ended up with two shots. we're still considering the third oral vaccination but have 2 months to decide for sure. i found it interesting that the doctor told me right out that it was ridiculous to give two shots--one in each leg--at the same time because it was easier on the baby somehow. she said they think they're tricking his brain but a baby's brain isn't that dumb...because two shots is two shots and his brain is going to know he's been stuck twice, duh...but then the nurses came in and acted like it was saving him some stress by doing it that way and made such a show of it that i'm sure it was more for my peace of mind than any actual good reason...so why bother? why pull the string for immediate help and make such a production if giving him two shots separately isn't going to make a difference. but then i thought about it. babies squirm...and they squirm even more after a shot is administered. i bet it's less likely to do with tricking them than it is to make it easier to get them in at all. so much conflicting information. how do people sort all of this out? he has two pediatricians and we've been seeing one of them more frequently lately. the last time we saw her, i warmed up to her right away. she is from washington state and she seems pretty practical and logical about things like the doctor i was seeing for my prenatal care. we talked about his weight. she plotted his height, weight, and head circumference against the curve; she is pleased with his progress. she checked his vitals. she said the word 'goo' to make him laugh--he did. we talked about how we spend our time. i read a lot of books to him and when he's eating, i've been reading james michener's alaska to him. i've re-read the story of the old woolly mammoth and for some reason, 'woolly mammoth' makes him smile, too. she put him on his belly and watched how he lifts his head--i've had him in the wrap so much that he's ahead of the curve on neck strength. i should probably be dreading him running around sooner rather than later but i aim to keep up. development of a tiny human is fascinating stuff, guys. today, i feel like i finally relaxed a lot. i've separated myself from all the well-meaning folks that were adding stress to our situation. this guy and i just needed the space to find our groove. every mom must go through this sort of challenge for awhile. i am the mom and i've been trying really hard to be a good one. today, the doctor stopped to make sure that i understood what she was saying, that it was sinking in. she told me i'm doing a great job and that's what i needed to hear, probably. i think she knows that i've been second guessing everything a little bit. laura said it but i don't think i was ready to hear it yet. i needed someone to see the progress he's made since we got back home...i'm proud of that progress--for what little part i have in it, anyway. i've just been nervous that i'm screwing everything up but for the first time, i felt like i've got this. i've got this. so my little guy has two fun cartoony bandaids on his chubby thighs that are beginning to resemble mine more than the skinny lanky things they were a month ago. i'm more and more convinced that sleep is going to be his painkiller just like it is for me. dental work? no problem, i'll just sleep. headache? yeah, i'm passing out. you name it, if it hurts (and i didn't ask for it) i'm probably going to sleep it off. i love that he seems to do a lot of the same. two shots, 15 seconds of screaming because, in all fairness, he was already sleeping and that's a pretty rude way to wake anyone up...and then he was passed out again. my goodness, i love that kid so much. he got a couple of bandaids and i told him that he was too little for a lollipop or whatever which took in stride. i think i'm managing this parenting thing pretty well. i keep trying to pause, remember everything because as i've been assured, it's probably not ever going to happen again without some serious doing. every night when i pick him up after work, i swear he's grown another few inches and i partly begrudge the time i've spent away from him...only partly because i'm finding that getting into a rhythm again at work that i don't absolutely hate. there is pretty much nothing that is going to bug me anymore...what've you got, america? bring it. i don't even care. i'm fixing it and you're all going to let me fix it, dammit. i think there's a mic drop in there somewhere....but seriously, my job is a place where i can just focus on the tasks at hand and there aren't a lot of surprises. in a way, it kind of gives me a break from what might otherwise be an overwhelming challenge. i don't know how stay at home moms do it, honestly...i still crave adult conversation and i'm not going to feel guilty about that. when i come up for air for a second and consider the last couple of months, i think i'm generally killing it. i owe all the credit to the placenta i've been consuming. okay, not really. things are just as i'd pictured them in a lot of ways...in a lot of ways nothing at all like i anticipated. but i'm still here. i'm still finding time to read books (we read together) and write when he sleeps and i enjoy the hell out of the time i get to spend with him as much as i honor the time i get to spend alone. i'm still soaking up the winter maine is throwing at me and loving on my hound. i'm happy to report that, after what i expected to be the most difficult couple of months of my life so far, i'm still me after all. i can still have conversations about things that aren't my baby, i am still listening to the music i love, i am still finding ways to get me time in every day and i think that's the magic...i think i figured out something valuable when i got here and finally got to be on my own. we've figured it out together. i'm two months in the trenches and have figured out the delicate balance between me and me-as-mom that i hoped to find. i'm encouraged. so yeah. i think i'll keep him. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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