introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Not Every Winter 01:06:47 - 2000-12-07 today, when the room was warm and the speakers were dull, her words echoed in my head. of course, we all look funny in the act... and never before did it make so much sense. and her wager was right on, and i'm putting away parts of me that i have let gather dust on my shelves for years now. there was a no, there was a push, there was instruction, there was hurt ...so much hurt. I'm stacking them up, one by one... there was a slap, but it only happened once... and there were silent evenings, and lound ones filled with harsh words. I want to put the onyx remnants away, the pictures that were mere illusions of love, the memory of your name... it is in this cold that i notice my memories of you most... in this cold that i remember you leaving on a midnight train west and how i thought I'd never recover. I cried for three months in my sleep, healing in slumber.... I'm putting away the memory of leather that smelled aged and lived in, the scent of your flesh when it was newly clean, the way you walked.... the good memories are far outweighed the absence of what you stole, took from me without my permission. Forever, until today, I was quite sure this shadow would linger, but I'm boxing it up with the others and putting it out to the curb... I don't need the memory of pain, I don't need the self-loathing anymore. Though I needed to remember til now, to get me through the day, to keep me on my toes, to keep me hard against my heart and my fear... I'm ready to open up again, and I don't need your lack of respect anymore. I'm sick of doubting every man that touches me, of taking too much caution when there should be welcome. In five years, I've metamorphed into this beautiful soul, kindred to someone, kindred to few.... I've learned that it was not my fault, it was yours... and I'm ready to deal with that now. I'm throwing your memory out to the curb, lest I remember every year what you took. I don't want to know where you are, but I'd like to rest well believing you haven't hurt another. I'm done with the shame of an act consumated in hate... its all used up. I refuse to be under your control forever. Today, I take myself back. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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