introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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dreaming it up (the eagle pair)

quickly before i forget - 14/15 august 2013

"And in store are dreams so daring / that the night can't stop from staring / i'll swim sweetly as a herring / through the ether, not despairing"~joanna newsom

i am over halfway through this week of killer overtime at work. i'm already mulling over doing it again next week. maybe no. maybe take a break. maybe.

i've had the strangest dreams since sunday night. everything has been incredibly clear. i am there. i've had more 'life' in my dreams than i've had in my actual life. i'm basically a cog right now. i wake up, i shower, get ready, pack lunch, drive to work, work, eat lunch, work, work some more, go home, sleep for about 6 hours. repeat. repeat. ha. this is not by way of complaint. i want to be clear. i'm choosing this. it's just that...i'm not 24 anymore. i'm not even 28 anymore. fuck. 35. i'm not sure when i stopped being able to handle doing this.

yeah yeah yeah, but about the dreams. the first dreams of the week are too personal to speak, to write. my heart wrenches to consider them for long and it's not that they're sad or horrible. it's just that they were so real. it is an incredibly heavy way to start a day when one wakes up wishing one had not woke up at all. if i'm sad, i'm only sad because i have been having this feeling more often which is getting under my skin and pissing me off.

for over six years i have mastered my heart to some degree in that it is caged off. i don't feel feeling, i think...not so much as file them away? the only thing that has devastated me so deeply in that time was my grandmother's death. there are two occasions now that i can recall feeling as though i was drowning on the floor. no air. feeling like i was being ripped out of myself. these things take time. i honor things that have driven me to ground by recognizing that they are things i think of every day. as i go on living, there will be more of these milestones. these are the touchstones to which i compare every other thing, i suppose. if it doesn't feel like those occasions then it isn't anything i can't handle. or destroy. or whatever. the ways by which we measure the present, no? illogical.

but the dreams. the dreams peaked last night. even in my dream, i was taking notes, surrounded by symbols. everything is a fucking symbol. but the clarity i mentioned earlier? the things that mattered had a smudged edge but were more clear than anything i've ever seen. when i woke, i was surprised to find that i was in my own bed. i had laughed myself awake. my first clear thoughts were of salvia divinorum and of eagles.

eagles? seriously?
listen, guys, i'm a birder. i fucking love birds. they don't have hands. i think if you get to fly and swim and walk around on the earth, it's such a great joke that you don't get any fucking HANDS. bizarre little dinosaur creatures with hollow bones and fucking feathers? i love the little ones. i like a raptor here and there, sure. i like the songs. i like to watch them peck around on my feeder and pick out only the seeds and dried bugs they fancy. i like birds. and yeah, america or whatever but bald eagles, as great as they are, blah blah blah...they're not my bird. did i care when i found that there was a bald eagle's nest off the new segment of the GAP trail? sure. yeah. birds. love them. but i have to tell you, when i say i like birds, i'm not usually picturing a bald eagle.

so what the eff?
two bald eagles. double the crazy.
one on the railing of the deck, her wing reaching down, feathers so clear i could see every follicle. no tears in her eye (duh, it's a BIRD, guys) but so glassy and reflecting that clear clear sky so crisply that it appeared that she was weeping. i stared into her eyes considering this for a good long while and she stared into me in twin. all of a sudden, i realized the second bald eagle was on the floor of the deck, perched next to the grill (seriously, what the hell??) and just you know....chilling there. we just took each other in, inches apart. there. just outside the door and when i moved forward, they didn't fly away. we didn't speak but there was conversation. yup. mind melding with dream eagles. awesome. this must be how tom feels when he dreams of dragons.

the eagles have stayed with me all day. my dreams, when i remember them, have faded to mist by the time i'm out of a hot morning shower, lost in the steam and vapor. this week, my dreams aren't going anywhere.

it's got to be the schedule being all whacky. maybe it's the perseids. maybe i just need this vacation more than i've ever needed a vacation in my life. 195o's dad needs a little break. i need to just get away.

but seriously... what the hell with these bald eagles? what were they supposed to mean and what the hell we were talking about in our heads? it was a dream, jones. just a dream.

something is happening. my brain is sending power surges to strange destinations. i'm not really sure that i'm crazy about it.

the perseids peaked last night. i was too exhausted and forgot. good job. but maybe they're winding down enough that i'll get some quiet sleep tonight. i'm so so tired...

xo, guys.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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