introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- sexual moral obligations dissolved frame shift - thirteenth of august, 2008 "give me a reason to be a woman. i just want to be a woman."~portishead roller coaster. ski lift up and down. slide at the community park playground. the space between downstairs and upstairs. this is how i am. up. down. up. i think this is the last of the grief. i put on the blue dress today. i could've worn it out, even. success. i feel like letting myself off the hook with mike has taught me to let myself off the hook for other things as well...my moral obligations lessen in number. i am careful to take her words into account: it isn't being selfish so much as considering yourself and what is healthy for you and what is not. i consider. this isn't healthy. i stopped counting the days since i've shared my bed legitimately. i've gotten accustomed to sleeping in the center of the bed. i miss him and love him and don't know, most days, if i would abandon that love if i didn't have to but i suspect that i would...i don't know if i am so strong...yes, i am, i think. that having been said...its a different kind of love now. like missing an old friend from a long time ago. this new love is burning from my center and i'm ready for companionship...at least it feels that way. the ups and downs level and i go seeking new peaks and fewer valleys. something has changed, some switch has flipped and i am no longer required to keep that promise i made so many years ago. my body is mine again to give as i please and there is a certain sense of or forever. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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