introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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this is not a broken heart--it is complete denial of such.

11:56 a.m. - 2007-04-07

"Don't tell your mother that you are afraid. Don't tell your lover that your heart might break. Don't tell your gods you no longer believe because as soon as you say it out loud they will leave you. And you will miss them oh so bad, and you will wait for their return...and you will wish they were your own..but gods that have left you will never grace your home."~regina spektor

he is never coming home again. i need to stop counting days. i am counting up the days between silences rather than counting down the days until his return. this cannot be a good thing, cannot be healthy. (have i ever been one for healthy, really?)

i wonder if i will love again. surely, given the way things have gone before this, it is possible, though i hate to admit as much.

it it so bad that above everything else i want to be loved? it it so wrong? i have a lot of love to give and it stays here, stagnant. over time, love spoils unless you can give it away like so much milk--the expiration date comes and goes, perhaps.

if i cannot be loved, i'm not sure what else there is. i have self-love blended with self-hate, a balance. i want arms to hold me, i want warmth with which to wake when the sun shines in my east-facing bedroom windows. i want him. but i can't have him. and so i numb myself because if i cannot, the shock will return. i cannot allow that to happen.

someone, please just love me.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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