introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ditching the city the morning light - 25 july 2014 "so can you understand, why i want a daughter while i'm still young? i want to hold her hand, show her some beauty, before the damage is done...but if it's too much to ask--if it's too much to ask--then send me a son."~mr. little jeans last night...i needed last night. michelle texted me to see if i wanted to go to bar harbor friday morning. i opened the door to see if she was outside and sam pushed the screen door open and took off looking for orla. almost invariably, orla runs around one side of their garage for our house while he runs around the other side for the libby's back yard. he's getting too good at opening doors on his own but his love for that dog takes over and it is as though i don't even exist. i wandered over, too, and found her smoking a cigarette at the little table in the yard. the mosquitoes were thick. "i need sushi. like all the sushi. i don't care if i'm not supposed to eat it. i just need it and i need it like now." i planned on just getting a few rolls for takeout and a seaweed salad and calling it a night at the house by myself...like every other night at the house by myself only with sushi. "brad isn't coming home until late. want me to come with you? i need to eat, too." so we drove over to Green Tea for sushi. since she'd given me so many hours of her time getting me to the hospital and has brought me lunch more than a few times, i decided sushi was on me. we had a few beautiful rolls with names like The Awesome Roll and the Mermaid Roll (because that's the kind of summer i'm having, america.) i also got an eel avocado roll and--gasp--a spicy yellowtail roll. now i know with this little one inside me i'm supposed to be avoiding high mercury fish (like yellowtail tuna) and raw food (like yellowtail tuna) but given how strict i've been with my diet since this whole thing started, i decided that six bites of the stuff wouldn't kill either of us. the place is reputable and it isn't a risk i take often. six bites. six heavenly bites. when i'm with michelle, michelle does most of the talking and i enjoy it. it takes some of the pressure off to find something to talk about with someone i've only known for a couple of months and she is a pretty funny lady, too. she sipped a drink that is meant for 2 people and the deeper into it she got, the funnier she became. we ate until the rice (which neither of us eat very often) bloated us and we couldn't eat another bite. i was happy and full of fish and seaweed and rice and eel sauce. i took home a box of sushi leftovers to have for breakfast. when i got home, i messaged him...but he had company. my heart didn't sink and i went on with my evening, heading to bed earlier than normal and hoping for a dreamless sleep which didn't come. i woke to take my antibiotic on schedule and passed out again, lost in dreams that are making me sad, happy, and sometimes disappointed when i realize that they are just that...dreams. i needed to go out with someone else. i'm content on my own but i realize how social i'd become back home. i was always meeting up with someone, getting a meal together, inviting people over. not having that here has been a marked difference and while i've enjoyed my time to myself immensely most days, the loneliness is always just a breath away, it seems. going out with michelle, gorging on beautiful sushi, and spending time with someone at all...was a perfect date night that has recharged me again. rachel is coming in two weeks. my mother and her aunt are visiting two weeks after that. august is looking like it'll be lovely. i still don't have birthday plans for myself and that's okay. i've decided to drive home in september before we leave for the beach to see everyone i love and miss so much. i wish i could get back there for my birthday to hit up the indiana county fair...this will be the first time i've missed it in a lot of years. no candy apples. no tractor pulls. no people-watching. no ring toss for a cheap knife prize. but that's okay. i think maybe lobster will be a good substitute and i bet i can find a tractor pull around here. i'm feeling more like myself again and, despite the dreams that play out too realistically like movies, i feel like i'm doing just fine again. my kitchen has been put together a little bit. i'm nearly done unpacking. i expect to hear from october and quasar surprise any day now...i know they're in maine now...somewhere. so we're off to bar harbor this morning. i haven't been there since i was a teenager. i'm not driving my new beautiful car (michelle insists she wants to drive and there will be plenty of time for that coming up in the next few weeks.) i might check out this view he'd mentioned at the college of the atlantic. or i might not and save that for a time when i'm on my own. sometimes, i've found, it's better to let someone show you what they know, show you the little places you'd never find on your own...and then do what you want when you return. it's only an hour away and i expect that i'll be called to the sea more often than i might suspect once i know my way around a little. to adventure, xo, jones ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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