introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in (day) dreams the dull grey of setting sun beh - twenty seventh of march, 2001--between classes just a quick something or other that i wrote today in ren to baroque. that bastard that i used to have so much respect for did it today. he said that i'm not dependable anymore. i don't know what the FUCK THAT MEANS, exactly, since i'm in his class EVERY FRIGGEN' DAY. if my dependability rests on the grades i get on his impossible tests, then FUCK him. i'm really getting sick of people forcing their judgements on me....i'm finally taking some risks in my life and people like him...they're not going to bring me down anymore. they're not going to inflict their versions of my future on me. from now on, i'm making MY dreams come true. ben-zvi, i am not your prodigy. anyway, here's what i was writing in his class cuz i have grown very apathetic now that i know where i'm going. ~in (DAY) dreams~ i've never really taken the time to picture it all so clearly cuz i never had time to think for myself much at all. but i've been granted some extended moments of clarity and its all started to make some sense, all the pieces could finally fall together. i couldnt' see past tomorrow, past the made schedules and appointments to the weeks or years ahead. i've never felt like i've had more direction than now; i can see it all so clearly: waking up to greet the morning, enjoying my ever needed cup of strong coffee and a morning cigarette, mulling over instant oatmeal breakfasts before taking to the diplomat, my pup in the passenger seat, the music as sweet as the joy in my heart, windows down and joy that only comes with chasing after dreams like storm chasers chase twisters. sometimes, its like a music video unrealisticly done when i picture how its going to be-- all of these people wanting to know me, all of these strangers knowing my name... but its only me and thats hard to swallow cuz.... its JUST me, nothing special about it. and other times, more recently, i can picture him there, too... like a balancing support, equally weighted, for he has his dreams to follow, too. and when i've spent my day, i could almost come home to him and only him, and listen to him talk; put on some billie holiday and make dinner together. he's got a whole lot of moonlight and candles, he's got a whole lot of smoothness... finding comfort on such a personal level, maybe curl up and watch a film, or share the evening news or sit an dread-- perfect endings to happy days, falling asleep in the arms of someone who understands, someone who relates, someone brave enough to love me, courageous enough to be who he has to be; a gem in a world of corporate babies and unhappy people living in homes where only the bedroom gets any company. and in these daydreams, i'm beautiful, in these dreams, i'm so content and i can feel them so real on my fingertips, so real with every breath towards the future.... can feel them so real in a day planner. the southwest sun on my face, the scent of clean air and the fufillment, the wholeness and completion that comes with love for what i do, love for him beside me, adn the content of accomplishment.... so maybe its a roundabout risk but its one i've got to take because the weight of how they say it has to be has grown too heavy for me to carry anymore... and i've never really had the time to find the courage to take the time to see, to see so clearly the way its got to be. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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