introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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bangor to sherman farms (conway, new hampshire) / mini road trip, appendix

sunday morning sun - 28 september 2014

"control yourself. take only what you need from it...a family of trees wanting to be haunted."~mgmt

my friend k saved the day yesterday, even if he didn't know it. i've been restless since i left North Carolina and the rain behind me. i needed just one more day away from this town before i could settle in to what comes next.

"so meet around noon?"
"sounds good."
"...Remember. You're allowed to bring one and only one survival item with you. Loki can bring one too, but he has to carry it."

everyone seems to have a name for this kiddo which makes me smile.

i got up early saturday morning. i grumbled at the water pressure in my shower. my mom said my dad might be able to fix this. one of my favorite things about vacation was so simple: better water pressure and hotter water than i've enjoyed in six months. fucking luxury.

i ordered new tights from we love colors which arrived while i was on the road. i pulled on the purple ones. these colors make me happy. a skirt, a purple blouse. i can't tell if i'm putting things together well or failing miserably at making clothes work these days. i've become more self-conscious than i have in years. the weather is getting cooler and i'm looking forward to pulling out all those old sweaters that were so big in the spring. i saved them for just in case when i packed up the old house. i'm thankful for having that foresight...sweaters and skirts and tights are about all i can come up with for the next few weeks. thankfully, i'm happy to rock my so-called life-style. despite the fact that i'm extremely self-aware, i feel more like me in some ways, too. i've got my eyes on the lookout for the doc martin's that stayed with me for ten years...4-eyed cherry red beautiful things that my mother hated so much. after a few years, i got in the habit of painting them to cover the way i'd scuffed away the red...i rubbed pigment into the leather which had become so soft after all of those miles. shoes pretty much save me from anything, don't they?

i cuddled with sammy for a little bit, assuring him it was just for the afternoon. i grabbed my sweater and sunglasses and a few hairpins and headed for the car. coffee (i swear it was the last for awhile) and on the highway south again. the drive was enjoyable, a few chapters of A Clash of Kings and enjoyed the nothingness between bangor and all points south.

the sunshine of the morning lit up the brightly colored leaves that were still shiny and wet from the damp of the night before. autumn is glazing everything with color except for the evergreens which break it all up beautifully. i knew i'd love this season here but i didn't expect this. i've grown too accustomed to the red hues just under everything in the trees back at home, the rusty iron in the water stains everything.

it was the shortest trip i've taken but it occurs to me that i've not really gotten too far into the inland parts of maine. maybe only once for the whoopie pie festival. k and i agreed to meet at sherman farms in new hampshire. the farm basically abuts the state line. the farm turned out to be fairly equidistant from our respective homes and boasted a huge corn maze. why not?

we stood in line for admission. the cooking fuel at the little snack barn was leaking or something and for the first time in weeks, i knew i was going to throw up. i paid my 10$ and got my pink sherman farms bracelet and, as soon as i was inside, threw up in a trash can with such grace that i don't know that anyone saw. k is a champion and steered me towards a cider-chaser. nothing has made me that queezy in awhile and it threw me off completely. i'm glad those sick sick days are behind me.

we met some goats and watched some delicious-looking piglets (that were being sold as pets.) i really do love goats a lot...probably as much as i enjoy sheep. goats have eyes that freak me the hell out and i stare at them, unable to determine if we're making eye contact at all...until the goat ultimately smiles and i know they've won whatever game we two were just playing. no, seriously, that's what happens when you stare down a goat, guys.

my stomach settled down partly from the sugar of the cider and the fresh air and the sunshine. it was getting really hot and there was no shade in the corn field. we tried on the kid-sized maze first for practice and then headed for the entrance to the first of two phases of the big maze.

we met lots of families with kids as we wandered through watching for numbered guide-points for clues on on how to proceed. some parents let their kids lead the way while others took charge themselves. we met people who seemed panicked to be in there and others that were handling the whole thing as though it was a tactical drill. at first i was trying to keep my sense of direction but then abandoned it completely, following k and really looking at the corn. i've never really noticed the hard roots of the corn stalk, tentacles digging and clawing how far into the ground, i wonder? the stalks are dry at the top at the end of the season and make a hollow noise that i love in the indian summer breeze. there are ears of corn everywhere, with varying sizes and degrees of dried out corn silk--blonde to purple to dried out rotting tangles. my skin sweat in the sun and the dust of the paths made me feel the grittiness of the country. i could feel my cheeks getting just shy of too much sun, my skin was warm and tanning. i've been driving through the sunny days and while i've enjoyed their beauty wholly, there is something about being out in it that brings me back to myself again. in the car, i am stuck in my head. when i'm out there, i am grounded.

k mentioned that he likes to get lost, too. sometimes, it is the very thing i set out to do. he told me about his family on a trip on colorado that declined to take a mini van down a country road that would have taken them to their intended destination but they didn't take it. they stayed the main road. they didn't like to get lost. there were plenty of people in that maze that were uncomfortable with getting lost, almost breathless with a little sense of panic. there were two lookout points lifted up on rickety stair platforms. i imagined we'd be able to see the aerial view of the paths cut into the corn rows...instead, it was a sea of dried cornstalk-tops shivering in the little bit of breeze. the mountains in the distance broke up the horizon. it was a place to catch your breath before you went back down into the thick of it, the cornstalks towering above you again.we mapped our path with my walk-mapping app for fun--we'd looped around in there for hours and only went a little over a mile.

it was family circus in there, guys. in there, though, i set down so much that has been on my mind while i've been on the road. the things my sister said to me that have been replaying in my head for days straight as i've tried to puzzle out how to make sense of any of it--how can i not internalize the things she's said? a lot of the anxiety i've had about my body lately drained away. i brought myself back from all those daydreams and worries and remembered that i'm better at one-day-at-a-time. in getting lost, i can clear all of this away again. in those first few seconds of panic, i still manage to find center and everything strips away to the root of me. i can be alice in a cornstalk fucking wonderland and in that moment, adventure is the thing, even on this scale.

above all, just being able to walk around in the sunshine and relax a little was what i was needing more than anything. i have been so wrapped up in getting ready for my trip and then trying to relax in the moments where i could and then catching up on all the work that was waiting for me when i did return to work--that i haven't had the time in the woods that i've become accustomed to and i realize what an effect this had had on how i feel in general. i need a schedule again which always helps.

after the maze, we stopped off at a farm stand that had the most extensive variety of autumn squash that i've ever seen in one place. they were organized into low wooden bins. i could've picked through squash for hours...they're the most curious things to me. i picked 4 butternut squash and took them to the stand. i also bought a peck of apples and a couple fancy cookies. the apples are not as sweet but it is early yet. i can't recall a fall when i wanted apples so much.

i told k to pick a place in fryeburg, maine for dinner and that i'd follow. he turned left off the main drag into a parking lot. i happily noted it was a tavern and a smokehouse. the outside of the place would never let on what was inside. we both ogled the menu for a long while before finally settling on our choices. it was the best barbeque i've had in a long time....possibly ever. that's a strange thing to say after heralding 3B's as the absolute best for so long. dinner was a culinary adventure after a week of road food and diners. i took most of my meal home because that's how things are going right now--feeling like i'm going hungry all the time and then feeling stuffed after about 5 bites. i'm taking this as a sign that the baby is starting to take up all the space which is good news even if it is uncomfortable. 6 weeks to go and then this part will be over, i remind myself. all this discomfort and self-awareness dies down when i take the time to remember that this, too, is temporary. the swelling, the awkwardness of balance and posture, all of it. i'm focusing again on what i feel about my body and what it can do...even now, even this pregnant and completely alien to me.

the ride home was gorgeous. i stopped off in naples, maine to watch the sunset on a lake. there were sailboats on the water and strange spiders spinning webs on the bridge by the bench where i perched for a bit. the sky started to turn purple when i got back in the car and headed the rest of the way home. i stayed on country roads for about an hour before finally getting back on 95 north towards home.

it was a perfect day and i'm thankful that k was willing to join me. he has no idea that he rescued me from myself yesterday but he did. i am centered again and ready to be where i am for however long i've got to be here until i can dart off for another adventure. sammy and i will keep our adventure close to home for awhile and i am feeling dedicated to spending as much time as i can in the woods right now.

i am home. i have arrived.

xo,
jones

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

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