introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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contact and your siamese twin mechanics

seventy five at midnight - twenty fourth of july, 2001-i can taste august coming-

"i miss my beautiful friend."~jeff buckley

Brian called at just the right time. i didn't recognize the number and the name on the caller id (my father is a glutton for technology and devices. left to my own devices...oi) simply came up as 'california' and my mind jolted in all sorts of directions: the school i kept suggesting you take a look at-joni mitchell-and then to a comfortably dead dream.

so i just picked it up. i hate the phone (except when its the only way i get to hear your voice.)

it was good to hear the voice of the one person i kept thinking to call this afternoon when i came home to the empty house with no company and no conversation. its strange to hear your own voice in a whole void of silence. its even more strange to receive no reply. the quiet mocked me. i was glad for the thunderstorm that wooed me into restless sleep, naked in front of the fan fighting off the humidity. i kept thinking that if you were still here, you'd know i need you and you'd come over and we'd sit and talk or we'd go someplace with air conditioning. its so hot i can't even smoke a cigarette. my lungs are like too wet jello.

when i told him that i didn't miss you nearly as much as i expected to, i suppose i hadn't had a day like today since you left. its been nothing but work and visits and men and the pen...and today, i felt more human than i have since you left.

now wait. let me be more clear.

i suppose i should say that i felt the bad side of human today. i felt the opposite of love, happy, footrubs, warm showers and terry towels with the one i love, cooking dinner, and holding his hand while we drove into the haze of purple sunsets. today, i felt the opposite of home and the other side of human...i felt the stinging tears of lonliness and the dull ebbing ache of that place where he was torn from me, slowly crusting over and beginning yet another self imposed healing process.

am i too vague?

i needed you today, brian. i needed your laugh and your voice and i needed you to say that its alright for me to go there. i needed for you to understand why california just wasn't for me anymore.

because you knew. you knew that i knew that he wouldn't be able to leave so easily. you knew where i'd be by the end of the year and i felt my lips turn into a small smile (one of the few i've felt today) when you said you knew i was going south sooner than i planned.

best friends know things. my three lovely little men (in the louisa may alcott sense of the phrase, of course)always seem to know...like some sort of siamese understanding.

and there are days when i wonder how well you really know me. there are days when i feel so connected to him that i wonder if you don't feel a little strange or jealous or left out. i mean...there are ways that we will connect that you will never know...because we've got this inexplicable understanding.

but then, on days like today....i remember exactly why you've been such a wonderful part of my life for so long. i remember that you've got this intuition and this perfect timing about you that has a tendency to bend my mind. you have this way of being there exactly when i need you in the best way you can...and in a way that only you can. i remember why i need you.

i could hear the smile in your voice.

and i'd cried so many tears to day...selfish tears in my own selfish loathing of miles and geography and the way that this solitude has been forced on me when i'd much rather be sleeping next to him and waking next to him....i'm so selfish sometimes. i cried so many tears but you make my face contort into smiles and my cries into laughs in your own way.

i just want you to know that i miss you. i just want you to know how proud i am when i think of you taking all of these risks and having all of these hotel drug searches and catholic girl adventures.

i just want you to know that i could not only hear the smile in your voice...i could feel it for a few moments. and i hope that you heard what your voice did to my damp desolation and that it made you smile and feel a little bit stronger again. i just want you to know that i'm here.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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