introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- candy hearts candy hearts - 9 july 2014 "and we are rotting like a fruit underneath a rusting roof. we dream our dreams and sing our songs of the fecundity of life and love...of life and love."~camper van beethoven i'm breaking a few of my own rules at this point, guys...but i promise it's for a good reason. my heart has been happy for the most part and i'm going to take that into account for a change. in the often bizarre universe of online dating, i've kept a 30 day rule to preserve my sanity and not waste anyone's time...mine or the other person's. i never really thought of it as The Thirty Day Rule officially until someone else put it to me as such. i guess that's what the kids do these days, too? this is to say, if we've been talking and flirting and whatever for a month, if the other party isn't going to take that to the real world, i move on. it makes sense, right? i think i started doing this after i wasted nearly a year in my early 20s talking to a person from across the country. when he eventually came to the east coast, i knew immediately that it was a doomed thing and then it was too late. my heart was invested in what could only be a disaster. lessons learned in the most difficult ways. with him--for him?--i'll make an exception...and i can't even put words to why this is the case. perhaps it because, as i've mentioned, i'm not in any rush anyway. rush to what? this forces me to consider what i was even looking for when i kept that problematic profile up in the first place. i don't need a name for whatever this is...i'm content to just let it happen as it will. i've been really lonely here, that much is no secret. that loneliness comes in waves, though. i'm quite content most hours to be on my own, filling the time with things i might not otherwise be doing if i had company. i've gotten so much deeper into my music collection that has been sitting here waiting for me to spend time with it. i have picked up books i've meant to re-read for years and mingled them with all the overwhelming parenting literature i've got stacking up around me. i've spent time trimming down my belongings, a few trips by the goodwill to drop off things that i don't intend to keep. the back bedroom is waiting for me to unpack it...and as soon as those kitchen shelves are hung up, i'll be able to get to those boxes. i'll look forward to properly hanging my pans and putting away my older-than-my-mom china safely. i've tried putting up art on the walls here and there. i have had plenty of solo-dance parties in my living room, kitchen, bedroom, and in the shower. i have spent more time writing in these few months than i've had time to do in a year when there was always something else that i had to do instead. and of course...the forest walks with my dog have been both good for me and the baby physically as well as reminding me how much of my worries and sadness i might leave behind each time i go. i've spent the last few months collecting myself a little, pulling together everything that got so fucking scattered in those weeks before my big move to the northern wilds. i needed this time. i have a sense that he is probably as independent as i am...able to work and entertain himself on his own...that we could appreciate each other's company and work separately when we need to. i can't recall being this drawn to a stranger in such a long time and when he does send pictures, i still get excited to see that face. it makes me nervous how much i like to look at him which is something entirely new to me. i have appreciated a kind face and found something to love about every person i've ever met, probably...but when i look at him, i want to stare which isn't my nature at all. it throws me off completely. maybe i couldn't work separately...i'd probably just want to watch him. when did i start acting like a 15 year old girl? stop being dumb, jones. i needed the time to compose myself again, to figure out where i am, what i want. i want to share this with someone, to share everything i have. i ache to come home to someone some nights...to just put the day behind me, to hear how his day went, what he did to pass his time. no doubt, it'll have been as boring a day as mine. the exciting parts are the times i share with the people i love in any facility and it has always been that way for me. how can he say he isn't interesting? i'm fascinated by him. i needed to get my head together, to sort things out...but now i find myself just aching to hold, to be held. i've never heard his voice and that makes me curious. i want to see how he moves, what he looks like when he walks, when he thinks, when he laughs...does he laugh? hard to judge... with this kind of distance, it'll be difficult and i'm determined to remain patient. i'd steal him here this weekend if my house weren't so damned messy...it'll happen eventually. i'm consumed by daydreams of him and i'm trying so hard to keep that in control...because i can tell that my heart is well over that line in the sand, despite my care not to invest myself too much. i've always tried to avoid a broken heart if i can help it...but what has being so guarded gained me? not a lot. i'm trying to be open, now. i'm trying to acknowledge my feelings, communicate them clearly, and take each day for what it is. one day at a time. i'm managing pretty well, all things considered. your jones is pretty smitten, america...and walking a tightrope of patience while spinning so many other plates at once. everything in its own time. i know. mushy like oatmeal, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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