introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- coffee and politics, part 2: a letter of sorts still caffienated and awake - twentieth of september, 2001 "ignorance is everything and you've revealed exactly what you are."~jude if it weren't for all of the things i've implemented in the last few days to soothe broken and twisted torn nerves, i don't know how i'd be right now. lets hear it for preventative maintainance. i'm wrapped up in the comfort of the music extending from the small stereo speakers across the room. i've got some tori that i don't know yet and a little bit of that new jude... and the fish are awake. i fed them a small midnight snack. better them than me. it would seem as though they're working out their differences. i wish i could say the same. but tonight, i can't and quite honestly, i don't know when i will...if i can. i can't stop watching my fish and wondering what they said. did he apologize to her for biting her tender pink flesh and did she make amends with him for those low blows to his ego? i was never good at this sort of thing. but those two have been in a tank for three days. possibly longer. i wonder if they met in the big tank or were thrown together when i picked them out, pointing in half-intoxicated glee to the only two pink kissing fish in the aquarium. but this isn't about my fish. its about you. its about how i won't apologize. its about how i hate your ultimatums and your bold insinuated upper hand. its about how i hate whats happening to us. its about how i'm coping with it. its about how i saw this coming weeks ago. its about learning to let it go before it strangles me. i never wanted someone to help but i saw that you were sad. we're all sad, sometimes. you just seemed more sad than me. and you're right, you don't need me anymore and i realize this and i know this. and i know that i don't need you in that balanced way we've always teetered on for all of these years, depending on the other for the understanding and emotional support that it seemed only the other could provide. the time has finally come for us to just be able to be friends...like it always felt all along. and maybe you're right when you suggest that i was around only because i needed someone to need me. but i don't think thats exactly it at all. i was around because you make me laugh. i was around because you seemed to understand things about me. i was around because i cared...because, although you weren't always able to say it out loud, i knew you loved me. and i know that you probably still do...but i know that things progress and change. people change. i am changing. no, i don't have this perfect pretty world planned out for myself. i've got silly dreams that you and i know will probably never come true. but they're mine...and sometimes, i just can't take your reality mixing with them. sometimes, my feeble attempts at optimism are only met with your realistic cynicism and i just want to give up. but this street of ours, i realize, is not marked one-way. i wish you could understand that there are some things in this head that are best left locked up; things that i've kept in the back dungeon for better or worse. things i can't even tell him. sometimes, i want to force myself to talk about it but it all jams up like a traffic jam...like a few hundred cars on the parkway when they're evacuating the city. the thoughts hardly become words and words sting so badly sometimes. you think i dont know this? i do know that i have been granted a wonderful ability to use words. i know that i'm not talented at many things, but i know i can make clear the things in my head if given the time to sort them out. i know, too, that i can sharpen them into points more deadly than any true weapon. i know this.i never claimed to be a kind fighter. i know i am underhanded with words when i'm defensive. i know i can be mean. for haste, i extend my apologies. i feel like i'm choking. i never said i was always right. i realize my imperfections. i want only to learn to be a better person; to be me. and there are trivial things....weekend plans and our waning distant dreams of a future... i keep thinking of the things we've shared in eight years time. i keep thinking of the laughter and the good times. i think of tears and the trials. i think of the inside jokes and the secret handshakes. but somehow, i'm even numb to all of that. somehow, my aggrevation overwhelms me and your ultimatums drown me in the need for distance and, of course, resistance. i get the feeling that we both need our space. or maybe its just me. i'll succumb to my worlds of computers and phone lines and cars and airplanes and a voice on the other end of the phone assuring me that he loves me because thats what i can believe in, these days....because that is what has become real. but you don't feel quite so real to me, as of late. i keep fond memories with me in the book of our time that has now come to uncertain futures and the first fight we've ever truly known. i admit my wrongs when i understand them and i know that today, i've said some wrong things. sometimes, the wrong thing said cannot be taken back. other times, it will not be taken back. today, it is the latter...for all of the things i've said stem from what you yourself said was bottled up inside. and the only thing that keeps running through my head is that we hate most in others the things that displease us about ourselves. its time i looked deeper inside myself, i think. its time for me to restructure. its time i spent some time with myself. after eight years, perhaps it *is* time we had some space to grow as individuals, even if it does mean this said growing apart. for me, it was never about the things i've gained from you fiscally, transportationally, or otherwise. for me, it has been a refuge i sought in you that i see now you can no longer be for me. i can respect that. i will learn to be my own refuge. i send with this requiem of sort my best to you and the things you learn to dare to dream. my best to those things you endeavor to try. my best to you and your happiness and my thanks for the things that you've taught me. you've taught me a great lot of things. you've taught me things that i will keep with me as long as i breathe. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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