introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- mymathematicalmentalbreakdown 01:46:13 - 2000-08-19 its been awhile...i've been sick. Its late. My homeless houseguest rented a movie called Shame Shame Shame and its got me thinking that I have some deep rooted things that upset me. Hm. And she thought I needed to see a shrink, my mom did. Bah. I'm doing fine analyzin' myself tonight. Here's one I'm callin' My Mathematical Mental Breakdown. Also, I want to toss it up to Mark who has been flawless in making me feel good for writing this stuff and has been giving me reason to continue even when I think nobody else is reading. If you're reading this stuff, let me know what you think!! PLEASE!! Readings will be up and coming in the next month, and I'll post dates if you're local and want to come see the senorita perform live. Also, I'm looking for poets that want to SLAM this semester...so if you're intersted, drop me an email: [email protected]. Yeah. Thats me. Like the phlower. Only one week til Boston. Twice that til the lovely Adam Duritz is my date for the night. Love to all, hugs to those that need them, hugs to those that don't think they need them, and to everyone: be well. My Mathematical Mental Breakdown its probably pms, yes that must be it cuz i'm seventy five percent on the brink of tears three percent on the edge of cutting hair and and twenty percent wanting to scream along with adam, who was shacking up in janis ian's case like he belonged there and when i found him, he didnt' have much to say til i hit play and i've heard his songs before.... i could use some of my own. there was something disturbing on the video player, and she curled up on my blue velvet couch and my comfort wasn't even in question, my sanity wasn't even in question, it was me going insane and if i didn't appreciate her help, i probably would've turned it off... there was something disturbing on the video player and its a shame because i knew something like that pink cloud melty melt love you love feeling a few hours back when something better than chocolate or whatever the hell it was called was reel to reeling on the screen, yeah that pink melty feeling that curls you up fetal and sends you to bed with a smiles and sweet dreams that i used to get when he'd blink or say eh or say.... well, when he'd say ANYTHING really.... and why the FUCK do i insist on letting him seep into my lines anymore? its nothing i'll ever share with him again, not on purpose anyway..... not when there is some lovely thing in new england to put a few hopes into.... but this milkmaid knows not to put it all in one bucket, and i've found some balance in cups of tea and chinese lunches. my mouth sometimes dries up and her name is smoother than agave cactus juice ...or whatever the kids are drinking from the sheetz these days. yes, her name spills from my mouth and my pen a hundred times like a fourth grader, practicing writing her name and erasing quickly before anyone sees... don't you remember that? don't you? I never grew up too quickly, you just threw me ahead of my time, or maybe she's really been pulling me this far all along, i just didn't know she was this magnetic... magnetic, magnetic, magneto... are you coming back home tomorrow, you glass hearted boy? making plans, making plans.... i'm going down to big gay ray's for some party where i'll still be uncomfortable... i wish there was someplace pink clouds i could go tonight, someplace that didn't involve a chemical, someplace that was a cheap thrill without the guilt, i could use a place like that. so there's the extra two percent, you fucking math majors, who have to have it all figured out, who can't catch a little bit of allusion and some metaphor.... for those of you who still think that i'm hung up on the boy with the glass heart that i'd love to shatter into a few zillion pieces.... you've just gotta understand that shrapnel takes some time to pick out... kind of like gravel in your knees when you can't get the breaks on the rollerblades to work and you stop yourself on the trunk of a nearby car.... kind of like scrubbing the dried up milk out of the bottom of the glass... just give me some fucking time.... how am i supposed to rearrange it all again? so yeah, maybe its pms, but its after midnight and my mind wont' stop racing, and my stomach feels so empty in that little nook where all of the feelings are supposed to hang out on nights like these, and my mind is quick, but the pacer car is poking ahead and out of sight and i'm winding down, but there was so much on my mind.... i had to let you know. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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