introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- bigger than me 16:03:55 - 2000-11-27 ..so it has indeed been awhile. i think that some of us could use a little retrospection, so i'm posting some old poetry that has gone through lots of stages of revision, lots of drafts, and even some readings. i believe that history does tend to repeat itself, but i'm beginning to question whether we can rely on that. toss it up to descartes or something. anyway, your situation is my situation with a twist to it, so i hope my words offer some healing on gloomy day such as today. take what you can. hugs to all and a great 'be well' for your week. BIGGER THAN ME it hurts. it hurts a lot. with all of these chemicals in our bodies, we could fall and never feel it, but that doesn't mean that we won't feel pain. it was lonely-dreary-desolate- remote-sequestered-solitary-forlorn. She was me, only in a different body. The whole thing made me paralyzed-numb-unFEELING-unCARING insensate-apathetic-cool-detatched- listLESS-unRESPONSIVE-disinterested. DISINTERESTED?! ...its the only thing on my mind and I can't seem to shake these prickly points of possessiveness-resentfullness-morbid suspicion insecurity-disTRUST-misTRUST-envy-flaming anger anxiety, unCERTAINTY. UNCERTAINTY?! ...no,no, no! I'm certain its nothing less than INstability-INdecision-distress lack of confidence, self conciousness, fear of rejection. Its exposed-precarious its drowning in weakness its collapsing under the weight of something BIGGER THAN ME... under the weight of loss-damage-destruction-ruin-injury havoc-detrimental disadvantage. I'm feeling deprived here: when do I get my chance to show you how it can be? when do I get mine? I'm ravaged-bruised; a casualty of this popular-bargain bin budget bitch; when did you start falling for this sort of thing? I'm crumbling under her impolite-illbred-insolent-impertinence. I'm falling to pieces. So I guess I thought I'd been mended...rebuilt...repaired... corrected...fixed...put back into WORKING ORDER. I guess its obvious now that I'm still hung up like laundry or swings.... like the FUCKing christmas lights on your wall, like the mobile hanging from your vent, all shards and pieces and strings... that I'm engrossed, absorbed, immersed, meditating, musing. MUSING? I scoff at my own pretension. I suppose this is better than blank pages, but did you really have to make it so demolishing-dissolving-consuming? atomizing-mangling-obliterating? Did you really mean to poison this purity? defile this innocense? infect this genuineness? envenom this immaculateness? So, behind closed doors, I'm cutting strings and hair and severing the lines between you and me. I wonder now, why I put you so high. Put you so high? I only feel comfortable when we're high and I forget who I am how I am what I am. I forget this pain...I forget my destruction. I want something this healing on a more immutable scale. Close the door and crumble me. She's got more nerve than I ever had. Sometimes, I can talk even bigger than I am It hurts. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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