introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- before the rain 3pm - third april 2001-pre-apocolyptic cumulonimbus "we were all famous and gorge in our last lives"~tori the pet projects are finished. now, i've only to put the last creative touches. i'm glad that he will get to hear a few of the songs that are magic to me; a few of the songs that have made me so overly emotional over time. it was sunny when i got up the first time to take the puppy out. i doubled over in some unusual crampage. (i write only of them because they are strangely stronger than me and unusually persistant. i might start to worry if it keeps up.) rather than walk to class bent up like a buttonbox, i opted to go back to bed and try to sleep them away. it seems to have worked. no sign of the pangs except that most of my day was slept away. last night...el landlordo called. i knew it was coming. he'd been to the house again when i was gone and had called again shortly after, looking for me. at the ungodly hour of eleven o'clock (a ridiculous time for a landlord to ring) or shortly thereafter, he called to tell me that all deals were off. I think that honestly, he never had any intention of letting me keep her here. my puppy is overly excited about this new cheeseburger squeek-toy that i got her yesterday. i am overly down about knowing that she won't be sleeping next to me for a few weeks. i cried. i cried a lot. those who know me and know of the trials of december seem to understand my attatchment to her. things have changed greatly with my heart since then: i'm glad to be alive again, regardless of the uneasiness of some days. this doesn't change the fact at all, however, that she is probably the brightest breathing light i've got close to me, these days. i know that the boys can't help that they are so far away. we're all growing up, i suppose. its time to realize that we will not always be so close, if close is an hours drive. one thing that truly scares me about the prospect of moving west is the distance between boys i need and that, sometimes, need me. i can't imagine truly being more than a few hours away from mark. i can picture brian farther away. i've always known, deep down, that he would move to much better things. i think that i've already dealth with some of the anxiety of that separation. but mark. i don't know what i'd do without him. i never thought myself capeable of bonds that run so deep. i'm starting to realize, though, lately, that i'm capeable of a lot more than i often let myself believe. and so, we move onto bigger, more foreign things. could someone explain to me how it is that when i least expect it and most need it, people can come into my life and change so much of how i've taught myself to think and think about myself? i've been happy in the last few months....in the last few years...but its always this temporary fleeting happieness that comes when i spend time with my closest friends or when i see a gorgeous orange sunrise. fleeting, for the sun will always rise to its every day colors, the boys will always have to return to their corporate jobs and i, to my mundane rhythms of class and work and sleep and class and work and sleep. lately, i've had this wonderful thing to look forward to at the end of my day. he comes to me through wires and text. "yes, carole. isn't that how it always runs with you, net junkie?" sure. it is. but never has there been so much to talk about; never has there been so much ground left to cover. he constantly peaks my interest and everything else dissolves away. i know that i'm constantly interrupting him but only because i have so many questions that bombard me; i want to know every detail: he sees so well. i have cultivated a massive adoration for the most understanding and sweetest of all possible sweet boys at the other end of all of these miles of wires and servers and webs. i see things in my day or have thoughts when i walk around with my dog or by myself that i can't wait to share with him. he makes me smile. he makes me LAUGH. not many people continually crack me up. he is becoming a constant in my thoughts. i like having something that makes me warm all over when i think of the things that i've so comfortably been able to talk about: music (HUGE) to eating dinner with parents, to telling stories about vacations gone awry. he's listened to every thing my head decides to spill and has never judged me....instead, he makes me feel like i could really be an okay cat even though i'm a total dork. i like that feeling. i don't want it to stop. so mark has brontosaurus and can't go to ani. but, there's this paper thin slice of a chance that Tennessee T might be able to come up. (the things we do for good music!) I suppose I'll know tonight, and I'm totally not getting my hopes up (i swear i'm not, babe) but I think that would be the single most rad thing thats happened around here in a long time. i guess i should get ready for class. the rain finally came. i like the way that yellow looks after rain. its so bright against the blue green clouds. i like a little brightness in my life. today, as silent as my voice has been (i have yet to open it other than to sing in the shower) i feel like i love everyone. i feel like i love me. today, regardless of the pending problems that pepper my days, i am happy. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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