introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- live from bangor, maine settling in - 14 june, 2014 "a glass can only spill what it contains."~mewithoutYou well, america....here i am in bangor, maine. it's been a bit of a rough start but i'm finding my way around and the homesick is starting to wear down to something tolerable. i've been focusing on remembering why i came here in the first place and that has helped immensely. i knew that when i came here, my life would become much more quiet than i've become accustomed to and i think i was only somewhat prepared for the reality of what that meant. i remember those silent retreats at the buddhist monastery and how i felt after only a few days of utter silence. there are days here that i speak to nobody but you, america...and the handful of people that actually talk to me at work. my quiet has made me so much more aware of everything around me and the rattling in my head has gotten a lot louder. i'm trying to quiet it. i go for walks in the forest with sammy nearly every day. i'm finding it difficult to make friends but only in the sense that i once discussed with Danielle--it's exhausting to put so much time and hope and love into a person when most of them will disappoint you before you ever get to be really true friends. that's some negative thinking, eh? but truly, i have met a few people at work who have been really great but i don't know how to invite people to come for a bike ride without sounding desperate at this point...i've asked some folks along but i'm not going to beg anyone to hang out with me. i had been talking to a fella who messaged me online who literally lives across the street from me...but it's like this...i don't want any more broken men who want me to put them back together. i mean...this sounds insensitive, maybe? i told him that i wasn't looking for any relationship with him at this point because it was so obvious that he was still stuck on some other woman and i've got my own reasons to tread lightly for now...but does that mean that we can't go get some fucking ice cream and talk? does that mean we can't go for a walk and enjoy each other's company? i don't want to date every dude i meet but i certainly see merit nurturing a friendship with someone who seems like they could use a friend as much as i could...so i stopped messaging because listen, guys...i've had my fill of people neglecting the good thing staring them right in the face. i don't know how to not make this sound jaded. i'm not. i know that there are people out there who are comfortable in their own skin and confident enough to hold their own with me. WITH me...that's the key, right? do your thing, i'll do mine, we'll enjoy each other's company. so goes my hopeful first friend. it has only been a month, though. i'm not discouraged. i'm just frustrated with people, maybe. if the internet is any gauge, most fellas in bangor are looking for someone to get smashed-drunk with or to hook up with one time and call it done. that just isn't my scene. i crave something more meaningful than any of that...and i know now, especially after the last few months, that i am more equipped than i've ever been in my life to make something successful...i know how to communicate what i need and what i want and i know what i can give to a relationship without losing myself in it, be that romantic or otherwise. i feel so centered and grounded. and homesick...but in a healthy way that has made me appreciate my tightly knit community back home more than i ever have before. it's a matter of time before i find my people here...and in the meantime, i'm bent on enjoying the quiet solitude and honoring it like those days at the monastery...because they'll only help me settle into myself more sturdily than i have ever been. truthfully, how much alone time have i had in the last few years? how many times did i stand longer in the shower than i needed to just to make that me-time last a little longer because it was the only solitude i'd find in the day? i tried to communicate that to him for so long but i don't think he ever truly understood. even when he wanted to give me time, i don't always think i knew what to do with it. i know what to do with it now. walks in the woods, time with my old dog, just appreciating what is around me in a way i haven't stopped to do in so so long. i am homesick but i am thankful for the quiet for now...soon enough, the quiet time will be over. in baby news, it was a fight to find the prenatal care that i was looking for here when i arrived. i called no less than 20 doctor's office and as soon as i expressed my interest in home birth and using a midwife, they couldn't help me. when i did find an ob/gyn (and didn't mention my intent for homebirth) they made me feel like i wan an inconvenience to them, despite my explaining that my physician at home was treating me until i got here where i could find an ob/gyn rather than get one appointment in pennsylvania only to have to transfer to someone else here. the timing was inconvenient....finding out about the pregnancy as i attempted to orchestrate the move was tricky. the receptionist took my information and said she'd talk with the doctor and would get back to me in a few days to see if he'd take me on. when she called back, she had the same tone of voice and made me feel like they were doing me a huge favor to even see me. she advised she'd mail me forms to fill out and set the appointment. the forms came and i spent over an hour filling them out. there were probably ten pages of information they needed. when i arrived at my appointment, i handed over the forms and she handed me about four more. what the heck else could they need to know about? oh, it was just a release to advise that they would take as many sonograms as they'd like and that it may be more than my insurance will cover and by the way, they'll take as many as they want. now i'm a reader of forms and anything that i sign by habit. this was a pretty big concern to me...i mean, i get that its 2o14 and most women these days get more than a few sonograms during their pregnancy so it's kind of a non-issue to most folks. still, i'm a researcher by nature and had heard an ina may gaskin interview where she hypothesizes a link between sonograms and autism. when i stopped to think about it, she made some very good points--the autism rate has jumped considerably since the 8o's and so did sonogram technology. i also learned that modern sonogram tech is a constant beam as opposed to that more retro 'ticking' intermittent pulse of radar. other articles pointed to damage done to the fetus by the sonogram that could result in lower birth weights and slower growth rates--the very thing that they were supposed to be helping pinpoint and prevent. that was enough for me to know that i didn't want to add any more risk than necessary and, given that i wouldn't terminate the pregnancy because of any feedback from the sonogram procedure anyway, there wasn't really any point to having one. my doctor at home agreed with this as well. so...i questioned the receptionist about the forms. i advised her that i wanted to talk to the doctor about what the forms meant...that i wasn't declining to sign them but rather that i wanted clarification about why we'd possibly be taking so many of them if it wasn't necessary? the receptionist grew impatient with me and advised that i couldn't see the doctor until i signed the forms. then she asked me to leave the office. defeated, i took my insurance card and made it to the car before i started crying. i'd been trying to do the right thing and to make informed choices and was hitting walls at every turn. my neighbor and my landlord and his wife were all so integral in my turning a corner on that battle...my neighbor just had a baby of her own about 7 months ago and while she didn't use a midwife herself (she said she prefers science and hospitals) her friend is a midwife-in-training who also happened to have just had a baby. i was able to get the name of her midwife and called her that day. my landlord's wife got me in touch with a group here in town that, basically, offers assistance to younger girls in trouble but who have decided to keep their babies. at that point, i was willing to take any resource i could find and i met up with the contact there. the midwife i've hired, laura, is incredibly kind. in the month and a half that i've lived here, i've been extremely hug-deprived and when we finally met, it took everything i had not to cry when she gave me the warmest hug i'd had in weeks. we sat in front of the house and talked about the situation surrounding my pregnancy...about the baby's father, my concerns about his being in our life, why i wanted a home birth. it was the first time i'd really been able to talk about why i wanted to do it this way and really put into words my thoughts about ian's role in this. i hated to see her go that day. our first real appointment was the following week and we talked about all the medical history for my family and what i knew about ian's family. i had my first real prenatal exam on my own couch in my living room. hearing that baby's hearbeat for the first time solidified everything that was until that moment just...theory. i mean, sure, i've been a vomit machine for months and it still hasn't exactly stopped. i don't have words to describe what that felt like...just...a connection to a tiny creature that i want nothing more than to keep safe. in that moment, i felt most of my fears about this slip away because it just became more real, i think....there is a baby and that baby is eventually going to come out and it's going to need the best version of me to rely on. i'm excited about that. i also learned a lot about the laws here in maine. back in pittsburgh, it would have been as simple as visiting the birthing center to find what i was looking for. i was naive to expect something similar here. my first searches returned no results for birth centers in the entire state of maine. okay, fair enough, i was coming from a pretty progressive city so what next? there is a midwife network here...but the first midwife i called directly told me to have my ob/gyn fax her my records before she would see me. that's the trick, right? i don't have such a doctor....i've always just gone to my regular physician and that wasn't what she was looking for. in talking with laura, i found that the politics surrounding birth in the state of maine are pretty much unhelpful to women seeking homebirth options. it is basically not legal for a doctor to directly support a midwife. this is all political and i'm not entirely clear what kind of benefit can be found in limiting the kind of care a woman can receive during her pregnancy. since it's been so long since i've had so many test done and given that the baby's father lied compulsively about every aspect of our relationship, i felt that it was important that i get some of the basic medical tests and exams in addition to a full panel of std tests. information is power and i can't make good decisions if i can't make informed ones...so it was important to me to get some tests. l am again thankful for laura and her network. i was able to see a doctor here in town that had supported birthing centers in another state and was willing to see me. last monday, i had about ten vials of blood drawn. tomorrow morning, i will have a pap smear and a few extra std tests that i'll feel better having had. i've lived generally as a safety girl but i can't say that i know i don't have something if i haven't been tested. in college, i was tested very frequently but the longer and more monogamous my relationships became, the safer i felt as well. it only takes one person to lie to you about a few things before you question everything they've told you...and rightly so. safety first, guys. so this baby is growing in there like a champ. i'm starting to feel it moving more at night and i'm not going to pretend that that doesn't freak me out a lot because it definitely does. i'm sure she's swimming laps or something right now while she has room. i've read some papers that suggest that at this point (about 19 weeks) the baby is dreaming in rem sleep. i'm baffled about what she could possibly be dreaming about? i've picked up some books recommended by friends...i've been drawn very much to Magical Beginnings, Enchanted Lives: a guide to pregnancy & childbirth.(chopra/simons/abrams) It is both educational about what is going on in there as much as it is informative and suggestive about how i can already be interacting with the baby. it's given me the perspective and focus to understand that our lives are already so entwined and that my life as i know it right now is about to change so so much. again, i'm feeling more centered and grounded than i have in years. i've got purpose. i'm going to be someone's mom and i feel like i'm up for that challenge. it still makes me smile to know that six (well, now, maybe more like 9?) months ago, when i was enjoying some of that me-time in the shower, i had a sad morning when i just decided that parenting and pregnancy weren't going to be part of my future...that it was too late for me, at 35, to find a partner, enjoy that partner, and eventually have children. i knew that i wasn't going to be with sean forever....the last year we were together was so difficult and toxic and i think by that point, we'd both given up on each other. for some reason, i'd forgotten that women have kids on their own all the time and that this was something i've wanted for years now but never got to. the universe sometimes has a way of pushing the envelope, i guess. i'm sad about the circumstances and things are going to be difficult (though i suspect that the baby's father has forgotten that we even exist at this point?) but i think that i'm going to be a good mom. i feel better about it than i could've imagined just a few months ago. i'm surrounded by moms that i love and respect and am fascinated by their parenting styles. i know i'll have lots of love and support and this baby is going to have so much love and happiness and that's my focus now. so job, baby, new place, new start. after all of it, he didn't manage to steal my fresh start from my fresh start after all. i've got this and i've been strong enough to claim my situation for myself. i'm proud of what i've accomplished here so far and looking forward to more exploring and the people that will come to share my life. it isn't going to be easy but come on...what worth having comes so easily? that's just not my story. okay, america...it's a beautiful day in bangor, maine and there are trails yet to be discovered for this old bloodhound and i and i just need to be outside. xo. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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