introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it wasn't that -its been locked up all day - thirty first of august, 2001 "you say you don't feel quite right today...does that mean that you're slipping away? how would i know?."~melissa etheridge today i had a bad day. it wasn't bad because i don't feel like missing him the way i should or because it feels like i'm handling this entirely too well and i'm confused. it wasn't bad because i had a panic attack in the middle of short handed shift at work. it wasn't bad because it rained all day and i didn't even get to see the lightning or hear the thunder that everyone was talking about. and my day wasn't bad because i was such a clutz all day long. and it wasn't because i'm broke for a few weeks, either. no, it wasn't bad because of any of those things. i mean...of course those things didn't help but.... but when i got on that plane, i was crying. and i expected to keep on crying but i haven't cried too many tears since i called my mother on the phone and prayed to the waxing white moon for a way home. and my reasoning for wanting to get home wasn't to avoid getting my best friend's pink eye or that i didn't really have too much to say to anyone...it was because i was selfishly wanting to sleep peacefully in my own bed by myself. alone because i knew it couldn't be with the one i love. alone because i was, admittedly, getting used to sleeping with someone again. and i haven't cried since i told my mother how hard it was and i don't know what the fuck that means....because i feel like i should be crying because i miss him. people are supposed to cry, aren't they? and tonight, i'm crying...but its not because of that. its got nothing to do with that confusion. and then i couldn't breathe today at work and i could feel the sweat pouring and gathering on my brow and i ran and ran. i ran on nervous stiff joints that seemed to move on their own. i blankly and efficiently waited on and ran food to cocky friday-payday cell phone customers. don't get me wrong. i aim to please but OI. and i looked up for a moment to see if i could see the end of the line yet. but we were so shorthanded and there were about thirty people standing there on the brown tile floor that looks dirty no matter how hard you clean it...and i looked up and they were all standing there and making comments about how fast food should be f a s t and how i wasn't moving to par and all i could do was apologize for the wait and for the i n c o n v e n i e n c e....only....i wasn't really all t h a t sorry and anyone with common sense and the ability to see beyond their own roast beef and french fry needs could see that i was doing the best i could. but i am not gonna whine about being the only person on the front counter and i'm not gonna bitch about how hard it was because i know i did a good job: i did the best i could. i just wish i weren't so afraid of crowds and that i didn't feel so put on the spot in front of other people. lately, it doesn't even take large groups. lately, it feels like its getting bad again. lately, the recluse stories don't sound half bad. lately, i scare myself. i, of all people, am the last person i expect to have social anxiety disorders. and sure, it was raining and i haven't seen enough thunderstorms this summer and i haven't puddle jumped even once. i find myself longing for last summer when things were more carefree-macaroni and cheese dinner-late night television-morning traffic. but that cooped up feeling didn't ruin my day. i tried to be opt-o-mistic and find some contentment in the ominous blue of the thundercloud that was splendidly similar to the blue of dusk, just after the last light disappeared behind the stands at the county fair last night...and i tried to find some sort of consolement in the sound of the rain (when i could hear it) on the atrium roof, all glassy and streaky and soothing. i tried so hard to make the best of it... and sure, i didn't put the milkshake machine together right and it made that clangy metal-on-metal chomp-chomp-ker-chomp racket and i had to take it apart not once but t w i c e before i got it right....and only, of course, after i had filled the hopper with the santizer water. and yeah, i spilled the batch of iced tea when i tried to pour it into the pitchers. and yeah, i bordered on burning the cookies and managed successfully to burn my elbow instead... but i've done all of that before and worse and its no reason to have a sour day. and okay, so my paycheck was a little shorter than the steepness of the phone bill but this is the last one of its magnitude....i keep promising myself. i mean...we did get by without all of these multiple hour long phone calls before, didn't we? its just that...sometimes, your voice is just what i need. and yeah, its gonna be a tight couple of weeks, but dammit, i did quit smoking and its been two days and think of the money i'll save that way so why can't i stop saying that movie line? "looks like i picked the wrong week to quit smoking." and really, what else am i going to have time for outside of work? no, no....all of those things can and will work out. it wasn't because of any of those things and yet, i had a bad day. today, i had a bad day because the worst day is impending. the anniversary looms before me as grey as the clouds and the faces of the customers i wait on who've had too much flourescent light and not enough warm summer sun. how many years now has it been? the worst memory daunts and teases at me as it draws near and i don't know quite where to put it and this happens every year. and i want to thank those who made my birthday as special as it was this year...it was one of the most special ever. i wanna thank melissa for the uno attack game and dot for the little ceramic scarecrow and ghost that glitter and glisten in the sun. and toby...for the most romantic gift i've ever received: a hard backed thesaurus full of new words with which to play (and the Faithless cd and of course, Sweet Baby James). And i want to thank all of you who spent time with me this last weekend because it was so special to me. Its just that....when my birthday...O U R shared birthday...comes and goes every year...i can't help but remember. i can't help but hear his voice as he lied, saying we had decided to meet because we wanted to meet someone else with the same birthday, as if denouncing the love we thought we'd shared. i can't help but remember. and this year is no different, no matter how much real true genuine love comes pummelling at me like leotids. today i had a bad day. today i want to cry. and even now, after all of these years, i still can't quite find the words to say how much it hurts, sometimes. (it still hurts.) even after all of this time and all of this supposed healing, i can't get near it without crying. i had a bad day today. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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