introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a skip in the record everything in its right place - 9 march 2o15 "now i only think about los angeles when the sun kicks out."~the national hbo's togetherness has hit nerves just under my surface so many times. i've cried nearly every sunday night. tonight, it came out of left field, i suppose. it occurred to me for the first time in a lot of years that a thing i was thankful for when you left...it was winter and the windows were closed tight against the indiana, pennsylvania cold. it was freezing in the house. you were gone and you were the most important thing. the windows were closed. the sound of my grief was safely contained. i didn't really start processing it until the weeks after christmas. it wasn't really a shock...i knew a month before you told me, didn't i? there were times when i couldn't stand because it hurt so much. i sank to the linoleum kitchen floor, crumpled up against the counters,other times sprawled out, laying on second floor landing. i sobbed. most importantly, probably...i screamed...wailing, lamenting the loss of you. and when the screaming and crying was all over, i slept blackout sleep. months later when i opened the windows to spring, i could finally just fall asleep on my own again. the neighbors never heard my grief. my heart had never broken quite like that before. i suspect it never could again. you being there was a joy threshold to beat; your leaving was a bottomless pit i couldn't live through a second time. every few years, there's this moment when i feel like you never left. in the silence of sunday night, it happened. i felt like there was nobody i'd want to talk about the show with but you. rather than let it make me sad for a few days...i'll just acknowledge it and feel it...and hey, i hope you're doing well and feeling loved. you're on my mind. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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