introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K

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two-o-eight a.m, and happy. - twenty third of march 2001-just off with Tennessee T

"take your hand off me. i don't belong to you, you see. take a look at my face for the last time. i never knew you; you never knew me. say hello. goodbye. say hello and wave goodbye."~david gray

so i just got off the line with Tennesee T. He did indeed send sunshine. plans for a weekend excursion to tennessee (tennesee? tennesee.) seem like pipe dreams at the moment...but nacho and i were planning a trip anyway. why not to a three day music fest in nashville? exactly. the very thought of meeting my musical kindred, my sunshine, my summertime....it makes me happy. it makes me want to get right to work on a mix tape. it makes me hug myself and wonder what it will be like to hug him for the first time. i'm sort of antsy about my personal space, having not really hugged anyone but my best friends and family in over a year, but something about him makes me feel at ease, makes me feel happy to be me. and i don't know how i was supposed to resist bob dylan, jakob dylan, and the curiousity about who this "cult" could be. i'm excited. i'm happier than i've been in some time. i have this desire to work and work and work so hard and then take the well needed break; to sit down with this boy and talk music, movies, read some poetry, hear his voice. i'm being wierd. i'm just glad i caught him...cuz he's really managed to save my emotions this week from the steaming tar-pits that are self loathing and self defeat. anyway.....

tonight, at work, i was pondering. earlier this week, i was reading the "diary of the moment" thing when i had some spare time. i had to see what they were deeming so vogue. I came across boy/girl.diaryland.com. At least, I think that was the address. I'll verify in the morning. anyway. i thought the whole thing was a clever idea. for those of you who haven't yet checked it out, the cat just posts lists that people email about what they want in a boy or gurl. its a legitimate question, i guess. most of all, it got me thinking about what i want. my cross examination is this: is this a mail order sort of thing? can i send a self addressed stamped envelope and get a packet of boy/girl powder, add water, and poof, i get my perfect match? i think that some of these folks ought to try kiss.com. Or maybe I'm just a tool. *winks*

So, lately, I've been mostly digging boys. I think that my ability to fall for boys again is a pretty good sign that I've healed the wounds from the shards that cut so deep when the glass hearted boy exploded off of his pedestal. The fact that I can smile when I think of the poem I wrote (in September was it?) about Sinead's "Last Day of our Aquaintance" also sort of adds strength to the theory. So, in the spirit of community in the Land-o-Diaries that have been left unlocked, I offer my current boy/gurl list, in its most poetic form.

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i would like a boy who

doesn't pretend to understand everything

i write or say but

still encourages me to keep at it;

who knows when i'm talking nonsense,

who knows when i'm talking truths.

i would like a boy who

reads my poems without me forcing him to

and gleans a little bit of my soul from them

without having to know the whole story;

who appreciates observation enough to

know when i'm down,

to camp and hike with me

without rushing through the woods,

who can stop to look at a tree for a few minutes

and appreciate a great view.

i would like a boy who

can go to a chinese resteraunt and

not only enjoy the food but

can make it through the whole experience

without quoting

Full Metal Jacket

cuz sometimes, i like to eat in

instead of taking it home.

and I wouldn't mind a boy who

will hold my hand in public,

which is not to be confused with hardcore

public display of affection....

and when we walk,

could you walk *with* me instead of

seven feet in front of me cuz

i don't ever wanna feel like

we live in Iraq.

and I'd really dig on a boy who

respects that i love him

but also knows that i have friends

who need my love, too;

someone who's okay with me liking girls but

who understands that

monogomy means that i like kissing him

and i don't wanna kiss anyone else

like i kiss him.

and could you conjur up a boy, please,

who understands that feminism isn't

man-hating-bra-burning-shaved-headed-lesbians

and one who could be comfortable

with an unexpected menstrual flow?

and maybe give him something

that will make him want to read to me and

let me read to him,

and not in that Brady way where we sit in silence

and i read about lesbian seagulls and

he reads something by Bob Viela,

but more like a

Julia Roberts-Richard Gere-Pretty Woman

sort of way:

i dig interaction;

i dig intelligence....

and as long as you're at it,

could he sometimes bring me flowers

for no reason at all

and maybe call me sweetheart or

darling or

dear....

or just plain carole...

and could you remove the words

"woman" and "bitch" from his pronoun vocabulary;

i am a woman and i can be a bitch,

but its not my title,

and its really not in my job description.

Will he make me feel pretty on my ugliest days?

Can he make me wanna wear a dress without pants

and feel like I look alright?

I would totally be into a boy

who doesn't ask me to lie to his mother

when she asks me what i'm stying at skool,

who laughs with me,

who shares the blankets.

I'd really fall for a boy who

digs my dog (cuz she digs you!)

and who likes to greet the dawn

with Maude's said "breath of fire"

or at least a cup of coffee and some breakfast;

who stays up late..

late enough to see the sunrise....

who enjoys an occasional sunday in bed;

who can share comfortable silences and

understands that sometimes,

words aren't necessary.

Am I asking too much here cuz I've

healed a lot of broken hearts

in the cavity of my soul,

and I don't wanna miss a thing here....

so if I could please,

just once,

even for just a day,

have a boy who is non-judgemental

and tries anything once,

who isn't afraid to disagree with my politics,

who can at least discuss

why it is that i'm razor-shy,

why it is that i don't always shave my legs

and not be all uptight bastardish about it,

a boy that isn't afraid to walk with me

regardless of what his friends think;

a boy that isn't afraid of me.

Yes, make me a boy,

make him all of these things,

and make me a boy who,

most importantly,

isn't afraid of himself.

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.what came before. - .what happened next.

a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017
the doodles - 11 july 2017
at arm's length - 4 july 2017
like a sea-mammal needs a bicycle - 30 may 2017

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