introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Dinner 16:16:55 - 2000-11-27 more thoughts from a few months ago....its funny how the feelings can flood back with a few words...its funny how i really did move on some...or did i merely put it aside and ignore it? Whichever, it seems to be working....I called this one Dinner at the Caf: What That Person Eating Alone Was Really Thinking. Don't ask me what I was trying to prove because i've lost sight of my mission statement. i mean, i've sort of remembered the beginning, but the rest has belnded in my memory to some sickening shade of monochromatic grey. i watched emily pack her things and go, and i'm wodnering how i miss the pivotal moments: the ones where everything seems to start to fall apart. And she's gone and I remember all of the silly jokes and the laughs and smiles and I was just thinking that there's nothing like the feel of outdoors on my skin. Winter's been too long. The cold rain moved in quickly and it doesn't show signs of easing up. We smoked a bowl in the face of cop cars, all were empty, of course, but there was a feeling of half fear-half rebelling against a system stronger than we, i probably could've sat out there for a few more hours but the rain started falling and besides, the bus was coming. she spoke of feelings we had days ago, you know. it might've been jealousy, maybe it was a lot of anger and a vaccuum of loss but the venom of those feelings passed and the fight that my emotional immune system put up, well, it downright drained me. I mean, I made it through, but barely, and i'm just TIRED. So don't you worry about me, mom. I'm pulling through and it really isn't necessary to make that shrink appointment. Really...REALLY! its not depression, its meaningless day to day existence. Some days, I wonder where I'm going. But seriously, I'm pulling through another crisis and I'm feeling just fine, especially when I'm puddle jumping. And yeah, I stopped stopping smoking, but I switched to ultra-lights, and the weight is falling off, like snow melting in late March. and that J girl in my colour class, yeah, she's a hottie.... and nice..and funny as hell. I'm getting it together, kids. I swear I am. Dinner's closing up and the last of us are making our escape. Yeah, it was me. I took it, but I PUT IT BACK. I didn't think you'd notice it was gone. Some things can't be taken back, and some of the things that can, shouldn't... It was a part of me I gave you, and it is yours to keep. Dinner's closing up and I think I've failed to complete a thought, but i'm feeling a hell of a lot better. I'm pulling through. Now. If I could only decide if I'm convincing me... or everyone else. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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