introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- a birth, a plan. (35 weeks.) all the wind in bangor - 7 october 2014 "could you see yourself growing old with me, watchin' my head turn to grey? could you live with me in my mistakes, and the ones I have yet to make?"~oh honey it's getting down to the wire, i can feel it. he can, too, apparently...or at least he's done the math enough to figure out that it's about time this...happens? he has been emailing me like crazy again and everything seems meant to seem level-headed, i suppose. i don't respond except with the numbers. i have nothing i want to add. this whole journey has been mine and now that i'm so close to meeting this tiny person, i don't want to be interrupted. ian will have his own experience and i'm trying to recognize that...i just don't want his experience tangled up with mine just yet. i'm putting that off for just a bit until i can settle into this mom thing. i am emotionally blank in my response but, truthfully, i am nervous again. he is seeking "legal counsel this week to ensure that nobody�s rights get trampled on." i take deep breaths and resolve myself to stop reading his messages for now. i locked my journals to feel more safe. i've gone dark in most of the corners where i kept a dim light on the internet. control the control-ables. anyway, stressing out the mother will only stress out the bebe and that's no good. no, only good things right now. my head is a nervous sort of centered...on straight again, thankfully. i'm doing what i can to try to relax, to settle in to this season. my parents will be here soon and i know that i'll be able to slow down a little, feel less nervous. a week, maybe. the leaves might be gone by then. they'll be here and then...we finish preparing for when everything changes. the wind has been blowing through town with a rumble, a constant hiss of hollow leaves being shaken off the summer-weary branches. the exhale is constant even into the dark of night. in the moonlight, the bright colors are glazed in silver and the leaves fall with a certain weight to them not quite as evident in the daylight. my dog is constantly startled by leaves dropping on...other dry leaves. he suspects a creature and i assure him otherwise. sam and i have gotten used to our quiet time, enjoying each other's company in this last week of a boy and her dog. pretty soon, i suspect my dog will be so entirely in love with the baby that he'll forget about me except when he's hungry. he has stopped wanting to breathe my breath and started, instead, resting his head on my belly. he knows the baby is in there and i suspect the baby is aware of sammy. can he smell a certain hound-smell from in there? does he also smell the tinge of skunk? i've gotten used to the proximity he seems to want with me and am happy to have him with me. he seems resigned for the coming changes. he'll be so happy to get to spend so much time with my mom. michelle and i went on a little road trip down to the inlet along camden, rockport, winterport, searsport. we had lunch in camden and while we shared a bowl of steamed clams in the cool sunday sunshine, we talked about the baby being born. my ladyfriends are so far away right now and michelle has been an incredible friend since i've moved in. i've asked her to be there to be the hip lady-friend role. i think that's a necessary role, right? someone to balance the nerves of my parents. so mom, dad, michelle, my midwife and another attending midwife, me. and then a baby. on our little trip, we visited a crazy mainer flea market and i got lost in stacks of books. when i meet him, i'll know better what kinds of books he'll like. i can't wait to take him to get a library card. so many diapers until then but this part'll be temporary. it'll go fast...i'm trying to convince myself of this. michelle has taken me to some pretty beautiful places and i'm thankful to have met her as quickly as i did. and then, after a little time, i will disappear completely for awhile. there are so many faces we'll need to see. so many important people to meet and welcome this little guy to the world. fairy-godparents and aunts and uncles and all the people that will hold him up and love him. family. things have been changing so quickly. my heart has a dozen feels a second and i'm sifting out the goodness and dwelling with that as best i can. i'm surrounded by all this beauty right now and i'm thankful for it. i'm thankful for these last few quiet days. i'm thankful for the orchard with the incredible apples. i'm thankful for this wind that is keeping me locked in the present and letting what comes...come. the sky is going to clear up tonight for this full moon and the coming eclipse. tonight, my dog and i have some howling to do. xo, ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- .what came before. - .what happened next. a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017 |
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