introspective periscope : peeking inside since Y2K


606 days

change cycle - 18 june 2019

"and the days went by like paper in the wind / everything changed, then changed again."~tom petty

solstice is coming. the birds are singing in the middle of the night. the air has been damp; everything stays moist and on the brink of moldering these days. there is powerful churning energy in the pit of me that i don't recognize. i'm squared and steadily managing a ridgepole of peak-change. it's time to explode into the next cycle and i am wide open and welcoming it. i am getting some white hairs which i know better than to necessarily equate with wisdom.

it has been 606 days since i put words here. this morning, i started my new position and, as i sat at the long tables in the training suite, i thought a lot about the things that have changed in all those days.

my little boy is the love of my life. he makes me laugh, he drives me insane. he is funny and sweet and kind and smart. he has established personhood in the blink of an eye and he is my favorite person in the world. 4 is my favorite age so far, even if it comes with a heap of sass and intriguing negotiations and more than a few tantrums. we have reached the point where i can sometimes sleep in on a saturday morning. i have stepped on more legos since christmas that i have in my entire life prior to christmas. there are so many adventures i want to give him, to share with him. he exhausts me but we're in this together and at the end of the day, we both sleep pretty well. i still have no idea what i'm doing ever (i just got good at contingencies) and i still don't know how it is the case that anyone is letting me parent but also...i'm momming so hard and i fucking know it.

we have settled into our bird's nest. this is the longest i've spent in one apartment since before i left for maine. there is art on the walls. there is a wild sort of settled feeling here that feels more like home than i've felt since we came back to this city. my kitchen is efficiently sorted. i know what windows to close on a cloudy day. i know which windows most please my plants. it is a little messy baba yaga kind of home sweet home. my mother keeps nudging me to move to cranberry but i love our city mouse life.

in 606 days, i have learned a few things about my professional self. i have put in the kind of work i never really did before. i've always just been thankful to have a job...because that's how we were raised to be, right? 'just be thankful you have a job.' i hear it on repeat in my head in my father's voice. but i get it--the man experienced a lot of layoffs and starting over in his life. i surpassed his total layoffs a few jobs ago and i sure as hell have learned a thing or two about starting over. and over. and over again. this time around has been a little different. i got into some mentoring programs and networked and job-shadowed and really talked to people about what i want, where i want to go, what i'm good at...and eventually, that's exactly where i'll be. it turns out, though, that i'm pretty good at sales. 'it's not for me,' i said over and over. i was pretty wrong.

when i first started out, i used to get this annoying ranker email that ranked all the sales consultants in the region. the top 20 were the ones to chase. i got so annoyed with the email that i set a rule on it after a few weeks to send it directly to the trash. it was that rule that made me miss the first time i ever hit the top 20 and when they told me i laughed and admitted the email rule. i developed a process and, as i always have with each career change, i found my stride. i then made top ten. then, as they shut down my location, i landed in the top 5.

when they announced the closure just before christmas, i started negotiating options to stay with the company and, after six months of excruciatingly slow motion stress (coupled with a weak chaser of therapy) i landed myself in my new role. there is ridiculous potential to make enough money to give that little boy a more comfortable life than i ever could have imagined. it's all i keep thinking about. but for now...a break, a holding pattern through training. and then, i will have exactly what i've been hoping for: a job where i wear my own clothes and have my own small space and am left to my own devices. i'm so ready to see what i can do. i'm proud of what i've accomplished by being honest and asking for what i want. i'm more brave than i have ever been. i'm done just being thankful i have a job. i'm chasing what i want and feel unstoppable.

in the winter of the most recent of those 606 days, i fell in love a little bit, too, it's true. maybe more than a little bit. i haven't laughed like i do when i'm with him in as long as i can remember. i sneak peaks at him whenever i can and his smile makes my danged heart flutter. i love his brain, that he keeps me company in the kitchen, how much he enjoys birds and flowers. he makes me happy. i fucking hope i can make him happy, too. i'm definitely gonna try. at christmas i gave him a pair of l.l.bean slippers and i hope i get to enjoy watching him wear them out (which is supposed to take awhile.) his is my second favorite hand to hold.

all those 606 days ago, from the most desperate place i've ever been, i've managed to get here...where i feel hopeful and confident and cared for and nurtured by a community of family and friends. i have worked hard to get my student loans out of default and i'm chipping away at my debts. i can see a brighter future than i ever let myself hope for before.

so maybe those white hairs that are coming in have been earned after all. i've been bold enough to say i've achieved some level of wisdom in the i'm wise enough to admit that i don't know a goddamned thing about anything. there's a lot of freedom and peace that comes with that, too. these days, i just want to focus on being more kind, being the best mom i can be, and building a life for my little family. i'll take the joy wherever i can find it.



.what came before. - .what happened next.

a series of walls - 29th january 2o21
ear-worms live on memories you preserve in your brain - 14 july 2019
606 days - 18 june 2019
a diamond at the bottom of the drain - 20 october 2017
baseball season to football season, abbreviated - 25 september 2017

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